Paleo Avocado "Caesar" Salad with Almond Crusted Chicken

Spring weather has come early in Texas so we've been enjoying some lighter fare around the dinner table. This dish is a delicious and nutritious fix for those looking for a fun new way to jazz up an entrée salad. It's light enough for a lady and hearty enough to qualify as dude food. One thing I loved was that it was both eggless and anchovy-less too. Some of you may be asking then how is it a Caesar dressing? Using a vegan and gluten-free dressing recipe base I found and adapted from Detoxinista, you can replicate the tastes well enough not to miss those ingredients.

This meal gives you a healthy dose of protein, fiber and omegas by using kale, brussels sprouts, avocado, and almonds (instead of breadcrumbs) for a little texture. Can it get much better than that? I don't think so. If you are not following a Paleo diet and would like to bulk it up even more, add some quinoa or pearled couscous.

This recipe yields two plentiful servings and will take you all of 30 minutes or less in 5 simple steps.

Ingredients:

• 2 chicken breasts ( I prefer to get cutlets, the filet cut of a chicken breast, so that fat is already removed and it cooks more evenly)
• 1/2 cup almonds
• 2 tsp. dried parsley
• 1 tsp. garlic powder
• 1 tsp. paprika
• 1 egg
• 1 bunch of kale, stems removed, chopped
• 20 brussel sprouts, shaved (I do this using my shredding disc attachment tool for big food processor to help save time)
• Grated Pecorino Romano cheese

For the dressing

• 1/4 cup olive oil
• Juice of 1 lemon
• 1 tbsp. Dijon mustard (I prefer the Organicville brand, it's Paleo approved)
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 small avocado, smashed
• 1/4 tsp. salt
• 1 tsp. apple cider vinegar

To begin, pre-heat your oven to 400 degrees and prepare a baking dish lined in aluminum foil.

1.) In a small food processor, pulse the almonds until finely chopped. Next add in the parley, garlic powder and paprika. Pulse until well blended and set aside in a shallow dish.

2.) In a separate bowl, whisk the egg. If you are vegan or do not want to use dairy at all, brush coconut oil over either side to accomplish this next step. Dredge the chicken in the almond mixture, coating both sides. Place the chicken in the baking dish and bake for 20 minutes, or until cooked through.

3.) While the chicken is baking, make the dressing. Excluding the olive oil, place all ingredients in the small food processor. Blend until smooth and then slowly add the olive oil to emulsify. Set aside.

4.) Let's talk about kale for a hot minute. It's fibrous and can sometimes be a little too tough which often turns people away from an otherwise fantastic green. When making kale salads, you can soften the leaves by massaging them with dressing. Take about half a tablespoon of that reserved dressing and pour it over the chopped kale. Using your hands, begin to massage the greens - start big tossing all the leaves and then using the universal "money" hand motions, rub the individual leaves. How's that for descriptive? Do this for about 2 minutes, that's all it takes! Once the kale is massaged, add the shaved brussels sprouts and toss with a tablespoon more dressing to evenly coat.

5.) Once done, remove the chicken from the oven and let it cool slightly. Plate your greens, sprinkle with grated parmesan cheese, drizzle with a spoonful of additional dressing if like my husband and the more sauce the better is desired, then top with the chicken.

Hudder Putter Classic is Open for Registration!

I've been a little quiet on here lately and that's because I've been channeling most of my energy into the One Wing Foundation. Today, I'm excited to share that tournament registration for both the Hudder Putter Classic and the Olivia Aldredge Silent Auction & Benefit Concert is now available online! 

Click here for Tournament details and registration information. 

Click here for Auction Party details and ticket sales. 

Additionally, we have a number of sponsorship and underwriting opportunities available for both events! Please contact me at onewingfoundation at gmail dot com if you are interested in doing that on a personal or corporate level, or if you have an auction item or tournament prize you are interested in contributing as a donation.

We have our first fundraiser and awareness event coming up next week on March 9. The generous gentlemen, Cody and Ken, of the Bishop Art's Home on Bishop, Dwell on Davis, and Bishop Ranch are opening the doors of their stores to us. The One Wing Foundation will receive 15% of sales from 5:00 - 7:00 p.m. that evening and we will provide you with wine and heavy appetizers compliments of Cretia's Eatery and Bake Shoppe. 

Please see below for invitation and click here to RSVP on our Facebook invitation page. We hope to see you there! If you are a parent of loss that would like to channel your grief in a way that is meaningful to you, we'd love to have you join us at the Gloria's in Bishop Arts following this event at 7:30 p.m. on March 9 for an informational meeting and support gathering. We will go over the various Leadership Council opportunities that are available for the One Wing Foundation, in addition to how to hold your own fundraiser in honor of your angel baby. 

Nine Months

Little Bud,

I felt like sitting in your room today and writing from your rocker. I close my eyes and wonder what this room would have looked like once completed. Everything was ready to go in, just waiting for the construction to finish. After you left us, I was thankful that we didn't have to come home from the hospital to your finished room waiting for you to arrive. Now, the longer time goes on, I wish we had completed it. Surrounding myself by everything intended for you makes me feel so much closer to you, I wish there was more. Of course, more than anything, I wish I had you sitting right here with me in this chair and I could rub our twin noses together, saying nosies in a voice that you'd love now but be embarrassed by when you got bigger.

I opened your closet when I first came in here and looked at all the clothes we had accumulated for you at every size. I wondered which outfit I'd be dressing you in today. I had so much fun picking things out for you! Any time I was at the store, I found a reason to get you something whether it was for an infant sized you or a 12 month old you, with everything in between. I haven't had the strength to do this until now but this week I had the urge. As I walked past the baby boy section of Target, I bought an outfit that you would maybe fit into right now. When I left there, I then took it to a clothes donation for an organization I volunteered at for Junior League around this time last year. I sat there for hours sorting through donations and folding the baby clothes with you inside my bulging belly, to get them ready for when a family would need to seek out this shelter and pick out clothes because they didn't have any. While it saddened me to pick out something I would have loved for you, it felt like you gave my heart a hug giving it warmth, knowing a little boy your age had something special when in need.

I wonder who you would be right now and what our life would be like with you. I got an email the other day from the playgroup I had signed you up for through the neighborhood association. I did it last May and I forgot to opt out of it after you left us. They were gathering parents with babies 7-9 months old to get together for a play date. My heart sank. Whether it was the 9 month version of you that came on May 27 or the 7 month version of you that should have come around July 18, I wanted to be one of those mamas, with my baby, going on a play date. I want to go on the group stroller walks with you and go to the park, watching as you take the world in.

I need you to keep watching over us, son. Many people don't understand why this is still so painful because we never had the chance to experience a life with you. It's because I love you so much that my pain is still so heavy. It will always be heavy because my love for you will only continue to grow. I'm sad because you aren't here, but the thought of you brings me happiness. You are happiness, you are love, you are ours.

Missing you today and always.

Nosies,

Mommy

Guilty Party of One

Guilt is something that has been heavy on my mind lately.

One day I was driving home from work and on a major street near our house. I saw a squirrel starting to run out and then it hesitated. At the last second, it decided to dart across into traffic and I swerved, but he sealed his fate running right into my tires. I shouted out NO and then started saying out loud in my car, I tried to save you, I tried. I couldn't save you and then, I had to pull over due to convulsing sobs. There on the side of the road, hysterical crying, and why? Guilt. I sat there rocking back and forth, I couldn't save you, I couldn't save you. It was a squirrel, but it all triggered an emotional response that I couldn't save my son.

Guilt was the first emotion that I truly experienced, outside of initial shock, sitting in the doctor's office after hearing those haunting words, there isn't a heartbeat. I immediately blamed myself, begging my doctor for a reason, asking her what I did wrong? I couldn't shake the fact that I felt like I should have known there was something wrong. The recurring thought that I am his mother and I couldn't protect him in the safest place continued to gnaw at me for months after that life-shattering moment at 10:11 a.m. on May 26. It then became what kind of mother am I to not know?

We left the hospital with our doctor telling us that the cause of death was a cord accident. As soon as I delivered him, before she even lifted him to be seen, it was the first thing my doctor said. It was a cord accident. Affirming the speculation she had from an ultrasound once I was admitted to Labor and Delivery. In the hospital, I was satisfied with that - if that is even the right term to use. I accepted it and for a little while I had comfort to know why. We asked if we needed to do an autopsy but were assured we didn't, they knew the cause of death.

Life unraveled after the hospital. I had so many questions that would come to me at 3:45 am when I couldn't sleep, or at 1:50 in the afternoon as I stared at a TV screen, and there were not answers. The guilt came back, I no longer accepted the "diagnosis" of his passing and the blame I put on myself started to become did I have too much sugar or caffeine? I'd eat a little square of chocolate or drink some Orange Juice (all things permitted) because I loved how it would make him move and wiggle around. One of my favorite joys of being pregnant was feeling him, this little precious life. I started to obsess over the thoughts of did what I love most about my pregnancy cause his premature passing? If I hadn't done those things, would he not have moved around so much? Would he not have become wrapped in his cord? Would he be with us right now if I hadn't done that? I know that as a pregnant person, not eating sugar is just ridiculous, but I was trying to assign myself blame. Then after a few months it became but what made it a "cord accident" exactly? Just because he was wrapped in it? Babies are born living with cords wrapped all the time, so was there physical damage to it that my doctor saw? What if there was something else and now we will never know? What if it's something that would effect a future pregnancy and I'll repeat the same horrible fate with another precious life? The layer of guilt gave me so much regret, coupled with some severe neuroticism.

After two months of that, August began the intense thoughts of I wouldn't be doing this if we had Hudson. It consumed me and it continued to do so well into the fall which I believe to be one of the catalysts to the depression that followed. It affected me for our birthdays, any date nights we'd have, any social outings. At work, any big projects I was working on or events in the evening I was attending, I thought about how I wouldn't be doing this or I would still be on maternity leave if Hudson were here. It affected me with any extra-curricular activities such as volunteer work and committee meetings. It affected my relationships with friends because I became withdrawn feeling like I couldn't enjoy what I was doing. In my mind, I should be tending to my newborn, but I'm not because my son wasn't born alive. 

In conversations with people and in my recent posts, I have admitted that January felt better. There are a number of reasons for that, but one of the main ones that I can pinpoint is that after surviving the holidays, I finally feel like I have reached a point where I am no longer at a stage of my grief where everything I do makes me think well, I wouldn't be doing this if we had a baby or I wouldn't be here right now if Hudson had not died. This past weekend I took a girls trip to Napa. It was the first getaway I've had where even if Hudson were here, I think I would have still gone on a trip like that at this point. If we decide to go out one night, or if both of us have to work late, I know we'd be doing that anyway with my parents or brothers watching our baby.

However, I now carry a different kind of guilt. I've made it through the first few layers and now it has manifested into a new kind. The guilt I feel now is that I cannot relate to the majority of people in the same way as I used to. It makes me feel bad that I cannot enjoy the conversation and excitement over certain things like I once did. It goes back to my post about the Haves and the Have Nots. I wish I could relate to friends that are excited to start a family some day, or for those trying for a baby. As much as I yearn for a family, the process of getting to that point for us again will not be fun or exciting as it was before we experienced loss. The road has already been met with heartbreak and challenges without an end in sight. It is absolutely terrifying on many levels but it is something we need. It scares me to think of being pregnant at the same time as good friends because now I have been thrust into the world of what ifs. I don't know a pregnancy without something terrible happening because that has not been my experience. So my mind says what if. What if something happens to us and I have to go through what I've been through already?! Watching the shadow babies come, alienating friendships because it rips my heart to pieces to see a child within the same age range as the one I lost, no matter how much time goes by. I also fear for my friends. I fear the what if for them. What if this happens to them and then they have to watch us bring a healthy baby into the world, and they are stricken in the confines of their own grief now knowing this other side? I see pregnancy announcements, gender reveals, cute nursery finds, etc. and all I can think is yeah, that was us too and now look where we are.

I sit with different types of people in conversation and listen to their hopes and dreams. I listen to friends talk about their kids and think how even when I have my own who are those ages some day, my family will still be broken. I will always have a child missing and that will always make me sad. I am onto a new phase of grief, I'm mourning the self I used to be which makes me feel guilty for not being the person, friend, daughter and sister I used to be. I miss blissful conversations of future play dates, joint family vacations, having mom's brunch on the first day of school some day, or just the excitement of going through the same phases of life together with our peers. I am forever on a different path and though those conversations may take place again, they will be met with fear inside and a little bit of guilt for immediately approaching it in my mind with caution.

Eight Months

Designed with love by Uncle Patrick

Little buddy,

Eight months have gone by without you. I was in my eighth month of carrying you when we said goodbye. You were with me for 231 days. It is now the conclusion of eight whole months without you, 245 days to be precise. I've been without you longer than I was with you. That's not the way it is supposed to be.

Eight has always been my favorite number, it is my lucky number, therefore I've been determined to make this eight month mark the best milestone date thus far. Since you can't be here with us, we have created a way to allow you to live on. On June 3, a week after your Heaven Date, we will hold the first annual Hudder Putter Classic, rhyming Putter with your nickname Hudder Budder. Uncle Patrick used your actual footprint for your tournament logo. See it's your left foot, the foot we both have our middle toe birthmark. As sad as it makes me that I'll never see you with your Daddy, Uncles and Granddaddy on a golf course, this makes me so very happy to be able to do in your honor. We will be raising money so that other families, with angel babies like you, can receive the care they need when they are sad and need help coping. I won't have your birthday parties to plan, so this is something to organize for you and because of you. Something that will help people. This is your legacy, sweet angel. It was never your purpose, but it will allow you to live on in a different way.

I came to see you the other night, just you, me and the moon. It was the anniversary of the day we told people we were having a boy! Hudson, I cannot tell you how special it was to watch your Daddy's reaction when just the two of us found out. We couldn't wait until later in the evening so as soon as the nurse had the results, she sent me a message to call her whenever we were together. I left work and raced over to your Daddy's office so we could call her and hear the news. In my heart, I knew what she would say, I knew you were our little boy. To hear your Daddy's excitement to learn about his boy, his son - it was one of our happiest moments. Sharing that news with family and friends for the first time, we were so proud and so incredibly full of joy. You gave us that joy, you are our joy.

Seeing your name carved in stone takes my breath away every time. It's a sight I don't think I will ever get used to seeing. Mamas shouldn't have to go visit their babies like this. As I sat there in the dark with the sound of the fountain lapping, I watched a family in the glow of the streetlamp across the street - a mommy, a daddy and a baby in the stroller - walking their dog. I closed my eyes and transported myself to a moment in my mind that it was us there - you, me, Daddy and Georgie. For that moment, there was a peace in my heart. I think about you all the time precious boy. The smile through my tears is my way of telling you that I love you more than anything in this world.

Eight months that my heart has ached, but it is eight months nearer to the time when I will hold you again.

All my love,

Mommy

Beauty from Ashes: the One Wing Foundation

The single wing that started it all

My intention for writing and blogging is a three prong approach.

1. It is incredibly therapeutic for myself. Loss does funny things to a person. I've become more introverted and have felt like I become tongue-tied and flustered when trying to express myself to someone face to face or over the phone about my grief, but I can write about it gracefully and without pause. 
2. It helps others on their grief journey. To be able to read another person's words and have it feel as though you are reading your own thoughts is actually a really beautiful thing. You feel less alone, you realize you are not crazy, and maybe it helps prepare you (and in some cases, lend hope) for things you haven't felt or experienced yet.
3. It gives a non-griever insight as to what life is like for a grieving person. By expressing my sadness, my demons, my pain and my struggles it allows me the chance to help you know how to "handle" us/me right now without having to sit down and have that conversation, person after person.

Since I started blogging again in June, it has been the primary way that I have channeled my grief. A lot of my writing comes from a place of sadness and vulnerability, and those are the emotions that I need to express. If Disney Pixar's Inside Out taught us anything, it is that Sadness is an emotion that needs to be experienced, not suppressed.

However, it is also important to talk about the Joy, which lately, is something I've actually been able to experience more of and without guilt! I've met dozens of loss parents through this and we've all had different journeys, yet all very similar. What I mean by that is that we all felt the same things but maybe at different times or at different stages. Loss made me a completely changed person on the inside in regard to how I now approach life, what is important to me and what is not, and how things impact me or make me feel. I turned a corner with my grief in December and the "me" that exists now is the closest I've felt to the "me" from before Hudson died - which is a big feat. I'll never go back to the same person I was before, but I'm starting to appreciate the different person I am now and concentrate on the ways it has made me better while working on the ways it has made me not so better - those unattractive emotions that stem from loss like the depression, insecurities, jealousy, resentment and anger, or "the uglies" as I like to call them.

In addition to writing, I started channeling my grief in a very personal and constructive way and this was something I referenced previously as a post for another time. Well, this is that post for another time. That time is now, it's finally ready to share.

In December, we incorporated the One Wing Foundation. This is a joint effort with another family of loss, and a new relationship in my life that is one of the ripples, as I like to look at them as, from the impact of loss. Our mission is to raise funds and distribute financial assistance to non-profit organizations that provide resources for the medical, physical and grief recovery of bereaved parents who have experienced pregnancy or infant loss in the state of Texas.

How it Began

The week of Hudson's due date, I sat down to lunch with my mom. In mid-July, I was still in a fog but it was before "the uglies" really set in. I was still in Survival Mode. I had a false sense of acceptance, a little prematurely trying to skip over the part I wanted to ignore, and I was trying to create beauty from ashes. I had been dabbling in plans for how we can make a difference that would allow Hudson to live on in some way. That week I had publicized the #ourbudhud campaign because I thought those inspirational photos would not only be really uplifting for us, but it could be something to make others happy too. Then the snowball effect kept happening.

While at lunch, my Mom pulled out a little gift bag and gave me a gold angel wing that fit perfectly in the palm of my hand, like a hand cross. She then showed me a bracelet that she had on, one that she has had for more than 20 years, with the quote we are all angels with one wing, we must embrace each other to fly. In that moment I received something that resonated deeply within me. I shared with her some of the thoughts I was having, how there are two things that our family knows how to do and knows how to do them well: fundraising and golf. I have spent nearly a decade as a fundraising and events professional in the non-profit world. My Mom has had a career in non-profit branding and marketing. My brothers, dad and husband are big time golfers. My husband enjoying it as his main recreational outlet, one brother played at the collegiate level, one brother works for the Texas Golf Association and my Dad's involvement in tournament leadership for the Byron Nelson Golf Classic.

Looking at our family makeup, I felt like there were some puzzle pieces coming together here but I didn't want to create something just to create something. It needed to serve a purpose and one that helped address a gap. There had to be a need. Mom and I talked about what has been most important to us in that first month and a half and it was the grief support we were receiving, but we weren't sure there was a gap yet. I talked to her about my career dreams and ambitions, how I would love to make this my life's work somehow. We talked about the desire to create a foundation that raised money and awareness for local organizations that had programs and resources specific to bereaved families. I have never felt more called to do something that carries so much importance, something so personal.

While pregnant, one of our nicknames for Hudson was Hudder-Budder. Rhyming Budder with Putter, I told her we should have a golf tournament, the Hudder Putter Classic, played in his memory and in honor of all other angel babies. I held that single wing in my hand and that quote was etched into my heart. We brainstormed and it made us happy during a time of sadness, we were continuing to create beauty from ashes.

The following week, one of the blessings God was sending me in the wake of my pain was the final piece for this puzzle. Though our paths had crossed before through mutual friends and philanthropy involvement, I sat face to face for the first time with another mother of loss, one that sadly was no stranger to grief. She had lost her daughter to stillbirth earlier in the year and during her time of grief, had some of her own thoughts of doing something important. Something that would be able to advocate for parents of stillbirth, provide education to the public, and maybe even raise funds for research. Something to continue her daughter Olivia's memory.

Channeling Grief

Throughout the fall, my friendship with this mother of loss grew and we channeled our grief by discussing our desire to find that something. I shared with her that I had been researching local organizations and what their funding needs were. By the end of October, I felt like I had done enough research to justify a need and to help close a gap because there wasn't enough funding for these organizations to reach the number of families or provide the programming or resources they would like to. We decided to join forces and create a Foundation, for Hudson and Olivia, and for all angel babies and their families. By combining our spheres of influence, we could help fill that gap and provide the funding these organizations need in order to better serve families such as our own; funding for families that are currently walking their loss journey and for those that haven't experienced it yet.

I am so thankful for Holly and the friendship with her that has stemmed from our experiences as parents of stillbirth loss. She has helped me navigate this road and together we've been able to channel our grief positively and constructively, finding that something that we could do. Together. For Olivia, for Hudson, for all angel babies and their brave, strong, loving mamas and daddies that miss them more than can ever be put into words. Holly has been one of the loss mamas that has been my second wing and together we've started to fly a little bit.

The planning for the One Wing Foundation's Hudder Putter Golf Classic and Olivia's Auction with a Dinner and Benefit Concert is officially underway, in addition to some other awareness events throughout the year. All funds raised will be distributed to Texas-based organizations that fit within our funding guidelines of providing physical assistance and emotional recovery to bereaved parents, education or research specifically pertaining to pregnancy and infant loss, or assisting families medically and emotionally during pregnancy after loss.

There are so many other pieces to this that I can't wait to share, but those will come in time. We invite you to stay tuned for additional information about these events, along with other ways you can help!

If you know a Texas-based organization that would qualify for this funding, we would love to hear from you. If you are interested in serving as a committee member, volunteer, becoming a member of our Women's Auxiliary, or if you are a Parent of Loss that would be interested in holding a position as a Board Member or your own fundraising event in honor of your child, we invite you to contact us at onewingfoundation@gmail.com. We invite you to rise above the fog of grief and fly with us.

Paleo Cauliflower Fried Rice

I discovered a new tool this past Sunday on my food processor, one that I have never bothered to use, but one that has changed my life. I used... the shredder disc. I am still a kitchen novice sometimes, too.

The lady that helped me check out at the grocery store earlier that day asked me what was on my menu for the week and she's the one that gave me the idea to use it. I had an a-ha moment like, oooh so that is what it's used for?! I may have giggled in glee as I stuffed the cauliflower florets down the tube in the top and watched as the disc spun, shredding the cauliflower. The result looking like fresh snow powder. It made me really happy. Then I decided to stove top cook a Paleo teriyaki salmon on the griddler and it was a mess, so then I wasn't so happy. I will be utilizing the oven for that next time.

This was ridiculously easy to make and we have been enjoying the leftovers for lunch. If you haven't had riced cauliflower before, you may be like my former self, thinking does it really taste good? The answer to that is yes. I honestly couldn't tell a difference because the cauliflower absorbs the flavors and has a similar-enough texture to rice when shredded. If you want to add meat to a veggie packed dish, salmon was a great choice, or you can also do ground chicken or turkey mixed in, season in a little 5 spice powder. Mmmm, yes. This remake just went on my meal planning list for next week too.  

This is a quick and easy weeknight fix, taking less than 30 minutes in 5 easy steps from chop start to plated finish. It is all the things y'all. It is Paleo, Gluten Free, Primal, Whole 30, Vegan (if you do not add in the meat). Most of all, it is good.

Oh and snaps to my friend Casey for the straight from Japan chopsticks and pretty stick holder!

Ingredients:
Yields 4 servings

• 1 large head of cauliflower, chopped into individual florets
• 1 tbsp. coconut oil
• 1 cup carrots, diced
• 1 red bell pepper, diced
• Half of one onion, diced
• 2 tbsp. of Tamari, divided into 1 tbsp. and 1 tbsp.
• 1 tbsp. Coconut Aminos (this is found in the Asian Food Aisle with other sauces)
• Red Pepper Flakes (optional)
• Green onion (optional)

1.) I used my Cuisinart Food Processor to rice the cauliflower. Take the shredder disc and attach it to the step adapter. Then secure the stem adapter onto the blade shaft.

 

Secure the top and turn that sucker on. Feed the florets down the shoot and voila!

2.) In a large sauté pan or a wok, heat the oil on medium high heat, then add onions. Cook until translucent.

3.) *OPTIONAL STEP* if you decide to cook this recipe with meat, this is when you would want to add it. I would cook your ground meat for about 8 minutes, continuously stirring and breaking up the chunks.

4.) Add the veggies and 1 tbsp. of tamari then cover. Cook untouched for about 8 minutes.

5.) Add the riced cauliflower to the pan, along with the remainder of the Tamari and the Coconut Aminos. Season with red pepper flakes if you would like a little heat.

Once it is all well tossed and combined, dish out into bowl and garnish with green onion.