Eight Months

Designed with love by Uncle Patrick

Little buddy,

Eight months have gone by without you. I was in my eighth month of carrying you when we said goodbye. You were with me for 231 days. It is now the conclusion of eight whole months without you, 245 days to be precise. I've been without you longer than I was with you. That's not the way it is supposed to be.

Eight has always been my favorite number, it is my lucky number, therefore I've been determined to make this eight month mark the best milestone date thus far. Since you can't be here with us, we have created a way to allow you to live on. On June 3, a week after your Heaven Date, we will hold the first annual Hudder Putter Classic, rhyming Putter with your nickname Hudder Budder. Uncle Patrick used your actual footprint for your tournament logo. See it's your left foot, the foot we both have our middle toe birthmark. As sad as it makes me that I'll never see you with your Daddy, Uncles and Granddaddy on a golf course, this makes me so very happy to be able to do in your honor. We will be raising money so that other families, with angel babies like you, can receive the care they need when they are sad and need help coping. I won't have your birthday parties to plan, so this is something to organize for you and because of you. Something that will help people. This is your legacy, sweet angel. It was never your purpose, but it will allow you to live on in a different way.

I came to see you the other night, just you, me and the moon. It was the anniversary of the day we told people we were having a boy! Hudson, I cannot tell you how special it was to watch your Daddy's reaction when just the two of us found out. We couldn't wait until later in the evening so as soon as the nurse had the results, she sent me a message to call her whenever we were together. I left work and raced over to your Daddy's office so we could call her and hear the news. In my heart, I knew what she would say, I knew you were our little boy. To hear your Daddy's excitement to learn about his boy, his son - it was one of our happiest moments. Sharing that news with family and friends for the first time, we were so proud and so incredibly full of joy. You gave us that joy, you are our joy.

Seeing your name carved in stone takes my breath away every time. It's a sight I don't think I will ever get used to seeing. Mamas shouldn't have to go visit their babies like this. As I sat there in the dark with the sound of the fountain lapping, I watched a family in the glow of the streetlamp across the street - a mommy, a daddy and a baby in the stroller - walking their dog. I closed my eyes and transported myself to a moment in my mind that it was us there - you, me, Daddy and Georgie. For that moment, there was a peace in my heart. I think about you all the time precious boy. The smile through my tears is my way of telling you that I love you more than anything in this world.

Eight months that my heart has ached, but it is eight months nearer to the time when I will hold you again.

All my love,

Mommy