Nine Months

Little Bud,

I felt like sitting in your room today and writing from your rocker. I close my eyes and wonder what this room would have looked like once completed. Everything was ready to go in, just waiting for the construction to finish. After you left us, I was thankful that we didn't have to come home from the hospital to your finished room waiting for you to arrive. Now, the longer time goes on, I wish we had completed it. Surrounding myself by everything intended for you makes me feel so much closer to you, I wish there was more. Of course, more than anything, I wish I had you sitting right here with me in this chair and I could rub our twin noses together, saying nosies in a voice that you'd love now but be embarrassed by when you got bigger.

I opened your closet when I first came in here and looked at all the clothes we had accumulated for you at every size. I wondered which outfit I'd be dressing you in today. I had so much fun picking things out for you! Any time I was at the store, I found a reason to get you something whether it was for an infant sized you or a 12 month old you, with everything in between. I haven't had the strength to do this until now but this week I had the urge. As I walked past the baby boy section of Target, I bought an outfit that you would maybe fit into right now. When I left there, I then took it to a clothes donation for an organization I volunteered at for Junior League around this time last year. I sat there for hours sorting through donations and folding the baby clothes with you inside my bulging belly, to get them ready for when a family would need to seek out this shelter and pick out clothes because they didn't have any. While it saddened me to pick out something I would have loved for you, it felt like you gave my heart a hug giving it warmth, knowing a little boy your age had something special when in need.

I wonder who you would be right now and what our life would be like with you. I got an email the other day from the playgroup I had signed you up for through the neighborhood association. I did it last May and I forgot to opt out of it after you left us. They were gathering parents with babies 7-9 months old to get together for a play date. My heart sank. Whether it was the 9 month version of you that came on May 27 or the 7 month version of you that should have come around July 18, I wanted to be one of those mamas, with my baby, going on a play date. I want to go on the group stroller walks with you and go to the park, watching as you take the world in.

I need you to keep watching over us, son. Many people don't understand why this is still so painful because we never had the chance to experience a life with you. It's because I love you so much that my pain is still so heavy. It will always be heavy because my love for you will only continue to grow. I'm sad because you aren't here, but the thought of you brings me happiness. You are happiness, you are love, you are ours.

Missing you today and always.

Nosies,

Mommy