Love You Like I'm Going to Lose You

Written on March 18
7 weeks, 1 day

Sweet Baby,

Today we finally got to see you. I thought I was going to pass out because I was holding my breath until my doctor confirmed that you were there and we saw the flicker of a heartbeat. Your Daddy and I were so relieved and emotionally overwhelmed at the experience. The last few weeks have passed by so slowly due to the anticipation of this day. I've been so anxious to see you for the first time, to know you are really there. Pregnancy after Loss has been such a blessing, but it is also filled with all kinds of doubt and fear of which I know has just begun. My Jesus Calling devotional from today could not speak any greater to my heart.

"Trust me one day at a time. This keeps you close to Me, responsive to My will.

Trust is not a natural response, especially for those who have been deeply wounded.

My Spirit within you is your resident Tutor, helping you in this supernatural endeavor.

Yield to His gentle touch; be sensitive to his prompting.

Exert your will to me in all circumstances. Don't let your need to understand distract you from my presence. I will equip you to get through this day victoriously as you live in deep dependence on Me. Tomorrow is busy worrying about itself. Don't get tangled up in its worry-webs.

Trust Me one day at a time.

Psalm 84:12; Matthew 6:34

We've made it through the first big benchmark, seeing you for the first time. Every pinch, pull and pang has scared me to where I'm certain I'm going to lose you, but so far so good. Today we know that you are where you need to be until October, we just have to get you through the rest of that time, one day at a time. I can't wait to see you again in two weeks, at that point we should be able to hear the heartbeat, something I know will be a very emotional experience. To be in that position again for the first time since Hudson, and every time after that, will be reliving my nightmare until I hear that thud-thud-thud-thud. I have to have faith that I'll hear it every time.

The Doctor said this pregnancy will be different. Because of my stillbirth, I'm "high risk" now so I will be closely monitored to ensure that everything is okay with you. I will receive extra testing and sonograms that I didn't get to have with your brother. My doctor said from here on out, with any pregnancy, I will never go past the start of full term and she will most likely induce me at 37 or 38 weeks. That means we should be meeting you between October 13 and October 20.

I can't wait to meet you and while I wish I could just fast forward to the day when you'll be in my arms, I vow to try to enjoy every moment of every day with you. We still have a lot of getting to know one another to do until that day comes that we get to meet you. I will cherish it because I don't know how long my time with you will be. None of us know. So the best thing I can do is love you like I'm going to lose you, loving you more every day as though tomorrow is our last.

Prayers and kisses,

Mommy