Reconceiving Life

Written on February 28, 2016

Precious Baby,

We just found out about you! My heart is bursting with love and joy that this day has arrived. The first thing I need you to know is that you have a big brother in Heaven. We were only given two-hundred and thirty one days with him in my belly and eleven hours with us on this earth to cherish until we meet him again someday. We said goodbye to him nine months ago. Since that time, you have been so prayed for, so yearned for. Now here we are.

I've had a suspicion about you for the past seven days and the first traces of you began last Sunday morning. After getting sick upon waking up, we went to the drug store to get a box of pregnancy tests but the one we took was negative. However, something in my soul told me not to be defeated, it was still early, just wait. Something you will learn about your mama is that patience is not really one of my strengths so waiting was very difficult to do. I waited five days and on Friday morning I took another test.

I thought it was negative upon first glance. At that moment I had reached my breaking point, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted after losing your brother followed by these eight months of praying for you. I completely lost it. I broke down and crumbled to the floor of the bathroom out of exhaustion, anger and disappointment. I've had anger but it has not been directed spiritually, until now. For the first time in the nine months since Hudson's passing, I let God have it. I cried out and put the brunt of my blame and anger on Him for having taken Hudson from us. I was so angry for being yet another month away from having a baby in our arms. As I sobbed on the floor, I begged and begged for the chance to be a mother to a living child, asking what I had to do? Why was Hudson taken from us? Why couldn't we have him here? Why him? Why couldn't we find joy and hope in new life yet?

I sobbed all I could and finally pulled myself together. When I went to throw the test away, I noticed something I didn't see before - a faint second line. I stared at it, wide eyed and breathless. I nearly hit the floor again with different emotions pouring over me. I quickly decided I needed to recant that little episode of blame and anger, and after apologizing profusely to God, I started a different course of prayer and thanksgiving. I asked for you to please be real, that we may be blessed with our rainbow to come and heal our hearts. I didn't want to get my hopes up and forced myself to wait another two days, until today, to retest. Sure enough, that positive appeared immediately and without question. We are pregnant again, and with you.

Your Daddy was unsuspecting. He thought last week's test was it and we'd try again next month, just as we had for the eight months leading up to now. I excitedly went to find him in the house and handed him the test. It was a true surprise to him and now here we are. Rejoicing in our answered prayers, yet sentimental from the time we first found out we were pregnant, and ever so thankful that you are not just a wish anymore. It was not an easy road to get to this point and because of what we've already experienced, I am terrified of losing you too. However, I'm making the decision right now to do everything I can to daily choose faith over fear in our journey to having you in our arms. It won't come easy, there are some days I may fail, that fear may consume me, but I know we have a pretty special guardian angel watching over us. Your big brother's protector duties have already begun and I have faith in him and the Lord to get us through to the other side. When you are expected to arrive is the same time frame we had conceived Hudson. It will have been a two year journey to finally get to this point.

They say that after every storm comes a rainbow. The symbol of the rainbow fulfills a promise, of God's presence in all things and of purpose day by day. We are receiving promise of you, a Heavenly presence watching over us and we are reminded daily of the purpose of you. I want you to know that the reason for you is not because your brother died. There is nothing to say that we wouldn't be pregnant again right now, with you, if Hudson were here. However, your purpose is to mend our brokenness and the joy we experience with you will be even greater than we could have ever thought possible. Hudson taught us how to love as parents; you will enrich that love in our lives and continue to heal our hearts. You will continue to help us find true joy again.

There are so many things I cannot wait to experience with you such as the first time we see you on the ultrasound, and hear your heart beating. I already anxiously anticipate to find out if you are Hudson's brother or sister, so we can know you even more, so we can name you. I can't wait to feel you move and to watch you grow in my belly. More than anything, when the day comes for you to arrive, I cannot wait to hear your cries, feel you breathe against my chest, and see you open your eyes. I can't wait to bring you home and start a life together as a family.

All morning I've just had a feeling. My intuition says you are a girl. It wasn't right away, but within a few weeks I just knew Hudson was a boy. I guess we'll see won't we?

This is where our story begins little one.
I loved you long before I knew about you.
I love you even more now that you are on your way.
I will love you with everything I have until my dying day.

I can't wait to meet you.

Mommy