I Can See Clearly Now

I wondered if I'd ever be able to feel pure happiness again after you died. For a long time, behind every smile there were sad eyes. Behind every laugh, the same force that compelled it could sound off sobs at any moment. When I would try to be happy, there was guilt. Showing happiness in front of others was an act that became a chore. For a long time, we had to choose joy, but over time, the choice has lifted and it comes naturally again.

I laughed so hard the other day, I startled myself. It was a laugh without pain behind it and one so deep that I didn't recognize it as my own. I remember it from the old me, but I didn't think it was part of the new me. The light in your Daddy's eyes is so bright again, like the day he proposed four years ago today.

On Sunday he told me he needed my help with his golf swing. He wanted my opinion on what he was doing wrong. We went outside to the net and I watched as he lined up to the ball. It reminded me of one of our first few dates when we went to Top Golf and he had never truly played golf before. I lined him up and tried to teach him to swing. As he eventually started playing the game and taking lessons, getting better and better, he'd still ask me for my help though he had surpassed my skill level. For nearly thirty minutes we played outside, laughing, taking turns, me spouting out advice to sit into the stance, bend the knees more to help with the shoulder turn for better extension, head down and watch the ball leave the ground. All the while, you danced in the wind around us. The special wind chime I was given in your memory played its song the whole time and it brought so much joy that we didn't have to choose to experience, it came naturally.

Until recently, I was afraid that by moving on from my sadness, I was somehow leaving you behind. But, this true happiness I feel is you isn't it? It's you living in my heart and allowing me to experience life with you in a different way. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it but I do now. I'll let you radiate instead of hiding you away. The new me will always be different, but now I recognize that while always a little broken, it can be more beautiful than before.

I'll let your light shine sweet boy. Thank you.