Today was probably the biggest day for my career. But in my eyes, it shouldn't have happened.
For nine years I have been doing fundraising and special events for non-profit organizations. In the first seven years of my career, it was mainly large-scale events. For the past two years I focused mainly on the fundraising aspect with a few small events sprinkled in. When I first interviewed for my job, I was blown away by the Center's mission and the scope of brain research they conducted, I wanted to be part of it. When they told me they were starting a capital campaign, I knew it was where I wanted to be to achieve the trifecta of a non-profit career: a capital campaign, a groundbreaking and a grand opening.
In January, my boss and I met with various production companies to find the right one to help us execute our Groundbreaking event. At that point, I was 4 months pregnant and knew that I wouldn't be able to really do the groundbreaking. The UT System Board of Regents were meeting in February to approve our building design and request, given the funds we had raised to date. If we were approved and could do a Groundbreaking in May, I would be able to do it but not full out at 8 months pregnant. If it got delayed to the Fall, I would be on maternity leave. I met with these companies wanting the best but knowing I wouldn't get to truly see it through.
And then everything changed.
No longer would I be on maternity leave from July to... this week. I was to come back from Maternity Leave on Monday, October 12. That made today incredibly bittersweet. Ever since I started this job I looked forward to a Groundbreaking event that I'd get to work on. Then we decided to start a family, I got pregnant and my career goals were no longer in the forefront. I was excited for the Center but my passion and desire to be a mama was FAR more important so I was okay with it.
After Hudson passed, I took a month off work. When I came back at the end of June this Groundbreaking project was on my plate. I thought it would be good for me, I needed to keep busy and totally throw myself into something to offer a distraction. However, I had a mental block and really couldn't get myself over the hump to be all the way "there" from a cognitive standpoint. Here I am working for a center of brain health but I was doubting my own. It was hard to be in the right mindset half of the time and I was terrified that I wouldn't have myself together enough to make this event into what it needed to be, what it should be.
I didn't feel like I was "all there" until the few days leading up to it. The early, early mornings with late nights put me back in the groove again and able to focus on what I needed to (as much as I could). My team trusted me to do it, they let me lean on them when I needed to, they allowed me to delegate and took on any task asked of them. They believed in me and because of that, I could believe in myself.
While I'm so proud to be able to have done it, to have this huge career milestone, in the back of my mind, all I can think about is how I wasn't supposed to have this. I would have tried my hardest (and maybe succeeded) in talking Max into letting me stay home or at the very most try to work out a part-time arrangement. As I had entered my 8th month of pregnancy, I was very conflicted of what I would do. I've been a career woman, very goal-oriented, I crave a schedule and being in an office setting. I went into non-profit because I had a passion for certain causes and wanted to end my day feeling the reward of working for a greater good. I didn't want to give that up. But taking that reasoning, wouldn't being a mother to my son be my passion? Wouldn't that alone be the greater good? Whether it would have been feasible for us financially or not, I don't know, but I know I would have at least tried.
So I sit here. Reflecting. Feeling proud of the work accomplished with the help of an incredible team and that they are individuals that come through for you in the clutch - both on a professional level and a personal one. I am so glad I was trusted with this opportunity and was able to carry it out to the best of my ability. This gave me a chance to tap into a part of my old self again and feel that energy, that adrenaline, and the rush. It was thrilling, terrifying, engaging, and humbling all in one. I am so thankful.
However, I wish I could have come home to my son tonight instead.
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