Five Months

Hudder Budder,

Sweet baby, I'll tell you, I didn't anticipate the love I have for you to run this deep after being without you for 154 days. It has been 22 weeks of learning how to live when you stopped living. It is 2,661,120 breaths I have taken that you haven't. Although you are not with us, each day I love you so much more than the day before.

Sometimes I still feel phantom kicks. They used to make me sad but now I think of them as little hellos from you. I would sit there and smile as you'd squirm away in my belly. You loved to start going early in the morning, middle of the afternoon around 3:00 and right as I was falling asleep at night. If I wanted you to move, I just needed to eat something and there you were, like a little boxing champion. One night, your pup was resting his head on my belly and you starting squirming around right where his head was. That dog jolted and gave me a quizzical look before re-situating himself on my legs.

In my parallel universe, I wonder what we would be experiencing with you right now as you grew and your little personality continued to develop. I wonder what Halloween costume we would have chosen for you. I received a gift of little cowboy boots from your Aunt Karen and Uncle Brad. Even in the month of March, I was already thinking about October. I thought Halloween would be a good chance for you to wear them, if they fit, and Georgie pup could be your horse. I wonder what clothes you would have already outgrown and if I'd be telling you to slow down little baby, you are getting too big, too soon. I would cherish every second of every day with you.

I wish we could all be cuddled together on the couch right now, your dad and I taking turns holding you, making faces to try to elicit a squeal or a smile from you. I wish you were here to rock on the porch swing while we hand out candy this weekend and we proudly smile to dote on you when people acknowledge you and ask your name. Then, you'd make a big noise and we would all laugh. I wish we could put you in the stroller and take you to the neighborhood Halloween festival, experiencing these first time family events with you, our precious son. These moments are ones that will continue to live on in my mind as I always wonder who you would have been and what our life would have been like together, creating memories that never existed with you.

I wish you never left us.

I love you with every breath, every tear, every beat of my heart. Forever and always.

Mommy