"Never did I think this would happen to us."
This is the most common phrase that I've heard as I talk with other Parents of Loss.
For me personally, it was the absolute last thing I had considered. I thought at some point in my life, I may have to experience the terrible loss and pain of miscarriage, but never that my child would not have a heartbeat when I went in for a routine appointment in my third trimester. My husband and I met at the age of 23 and started dating. Four years later, we got engaged and then married 8 months after that. We worked hard in our careers, we traveled. We bought the house, we got the dog. We decided to start a family and just like that, we became pregnant. That seems to be the dream, right? So how does it turn into a nightmare in the blink of an eye?
Tragedy is unpredictable. I hope and pray that no one reading this is ever touched by this kind of loss, but if you ever are - whether it is you, a friend or family member - there are things you need to know. As Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month draws to a close, I will be posting three articles over the next three days directed to help the Family Members, the Friends and the Parents of Loss. These posts are a collaboration of voices from myself and several women to help guide you through loss, taken from our own experiences. It is important to note that in no way are any of these experiences intended to single out a specific person or incident in our lives, but to provide others with how to best help or what to say in a time of loss.
None of us knew exactly how to do that well for others until we were there ourselves.
None of us knew how to walk this road without the help of other Parents of Loss.
None of us knew exactly how to do that well for others until we were there ourselves.
None of us knew how to walk this road without the help of other Parents of Loss.
As a general overview, what everyone needs to know about grief is that it is an exceptionally challenging road. It comes on in waves when you don't expect it and it is a manic roller coaster. It effects the mother and father differently, at different times, and often emotions are triggered by different things. This can mean what may hurt or be difficult for one Parent of Loss may not be recognized as a pain or trigger to the other. It can also mean that while one Parent of Loss seems fine, the other may not be.
There is a common misconception that as time goes on, the Parents of Loss get better, that time heals all wounds. When it comes to the loss of a child, that is simply not true. There are so many things we have to deal with like receiving formula samples and baby-related coupons in the mail for MONTHS after we've lost our baby because of where we shopped while pregnant or the registries we made. One Parent of Loss says that it was a year and a half after she lost her son and her barista asked her how her baby was. Just when you think you are done dodging those questions, it jumps out at you again and can bring you way down. We meet new people and are asked, "how many kids or you have," or "do you have kids?" Then, we have to watch as everyone we were pregnant with brings their babies into the world and starts their life as parents, something taken from us so quickly and without warning. Right after loss is only the beginning, there is so much more that occurs outside the initial pain of losing a child. It may have to get worse, much worse, before acceptance can set in and managing the grief can get better. You cannot put a time frame on it.
There is a common misconception that as time goes on, the Parents of Loss get better, that time heals all wounds. When it comes to the loss of a child, that is simply not true. There are so many things we have to deal with like receiving formula samples and baby-related coupons in the mail for MONTHS after we've lost our baby because of where we shopped while pregnant or the registries we made. One Parent of Loss says that it was a year and a half after she lost her son and her barista asked her how her baby was. Just when you think you are done dodging those questions, it jumps out at you again and can bring you way down. We meet new people and are asked, "how many kids or you have," or "do you have kids?" Then, we have to watch as everyone we were pregnant with brings their babies into the world and starts their life as parents, something taken from us so quickly and without warning. Right after loss is only the beginning, there is so much more that occurs outside the initial pain of losing a child. It may have to get worse, much worse, before acceptance can set in and managing the grief can get better. You cannot put a time frame on it.
The love one has for a child is a forever thing. The pain will not go away, therefore, neither will grief.
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