Four Months

Taken from the car as we drove along the 17 Mile Drive

in Carmel, California

Dear Hudson,

Sweet boy, I can't believe it has been four months since I saw your precious face and kissed those sweet cheeks. It has been exactly 124 days since we said goodbye.

We took you back to Carmel with us last weekend. That was always a special place for Mommy to go with your Grandparents and Uncles as I grew up. I got to go with your Daddy for the first time when we were pregnant with you. It was when you were almost 16 weeks, just a few days before we found out you were a boy. I remember walking the shops and seeing so many things I could have bought for you. In the back of my mind, I knew you were a boy and thought I should just get you something anyway but I didn't, just in case my intuition was wrong. I decided that I would instead look forward to the next time I came and I could spoil you properly then.

One morning while we were there, your Daddy and I got to take a walk, just the two of us - well, it was the three of us. I took him to the 18th green of Pebble Beach and over by the clubhouse, sharing memories of my family trips with him, like teeing off and my ball going straight into the bay or eating burgers with your Granddaddy in the Tap Room. Outside the pro-shop, next to the first tee, there was a statue of a little boy, dressed in golf gear that was too big for him, and a sign that read "Just like Dad." I took this picture of it and thought I'd frame it for my little boy someday. I even thought that if I was correct and you were a boy, that could be our gender reveal announcement.

I thought it would be special to go back with you this time and leave a little bit of you there. However, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wasn't ready to part with what little of you we have. Carmel is Heaven on Earth sweet boy. The closest place that I can go and feel like I'm where you are. I hope that is what your Heaven is like.

There have been some beautiful sunsets lately, I like to think of them as your smiles that I never got to see. I love you so much Hudson. Even though you see me hurting, I am so thankful for you and that you were mine. Always know that.

Until I hold you again,

Mommy