Wednesday, April 27, 2016
It's the 27th of the month again, my Hudson day. I feel anxious. Anxious that it has now been eleven whole months since you left my arms and next month on the 27th will mark one year since we had to say goodbye. We are about to enter May which means Mother's Day and your Heaven Day are right around the corner. I'm not ready to have been without you for a full year or to come up on either difficult milestone. This past week I was reflecting on this time last year. We were in full nesting mode, the house was a construction zone and I had entered my third trimester with you. Now, here we are one year later and we have entered into a second trimester. Sweet boy I need to tell you something, you are going to be a big brother.
Ever since I found out I was pregnant again, it has been a roller coaster of emotions. My time with you was so perfect. I got used to our little routines of waking up with you wiggling away, then you kicking me to sleep, feeling you move around at specific times of the day, especially after meals. Then out of nowhere tragedy struck and just like that you were taken away from us. Waiting to go to the doctor, to see and confirm this new life was so hard and felt like an eternity. Having a sonogram again after the last time, the one where they told me you were gone, left me terrified, I couldn't look at the screen until she said "here's your baby, and there's the heartbeat!" Receiving that affirmation, I could breath again but it brought on so many emotions. More than anything, Mommy and Daddy want you here, but we can't my love. We've desperately hoped for our family to keep growing with your brother or sister in our arms and now we are one step closer to that. I'm so terrified of doing this all over again, but I know we need this and we can do this, with you looking on. Sweet baby, our hearts have experienced joy again with this new life. Joy we haven't felt since you left. Our babies are our greatest joys.
Hudson, your big brother duties start now! You are in a very unique position to be able to watch over us, not only throughout these remaining five and a half months but throughout our lives until we are all together again some day. I want you to know that nothing will ever take away from the fact that you are our first born. We will talk to your siblings about you, you will always be their big brother. I like to believe that you know them before we do and that maybe, in some divine sense, they will know you throughout their life, bonded in a way that we will never understand. You are their guardian angel, as well as ours.
As we continue to ask the Lord to work in us, to help us choose faith over fear, I ask you to be a steadfast presence in our hearts. You are going to be the best big brother.
Oh Hudson, I miss you and I wish that you were here.
I wish I could hold you, look into your eyes and tell you all of this.
I love you so very much.
Forever and always,