Thanksgrieving

Thanksgiving used to be my favorite family holiday get together. I have an extended family of individuals who love to cook so it was wonderful to create a meal together, with all the laughter and fun the day would bring. We'd relish in a delicious meal, enjoying the company, then watch football, maybe take a little nap, finally, we'd start the annual viewing of Christmas Vacation to kick off the season, drinking egg nog (or wine, I definitely drank wine) out of moose mugs.

This Thanksgiving is different. This year, it's called Thanksgrieving.

For those who have experienced loss, it is just hard to find thankfulness and joy in a time that you feel there is a big blinking arrow pointing to where the one who is missing should be. You need change, you need different because it can be too hard to be in the same setting where that person was or where they were anticipated to be.

Figuring out the holidays has definitely been a struggle. Because I write this as a healing method for my heart and soul, and because I've connected with individuals who have found my posts, individuals that are also on a journey of loss or grief, I'm going to remain candid with you. I know there are scrolling eyes in need of sharing a similar path as well. I had hoped to be entering this Thanksgiving pregnant again. In a time of joy to the rest of the world, I had hoped to put one foot back on that side of the dividing line with a new pregnancy to begin the holiday season to ease the pain, soften the heart, have hope and promise with a new life.

I'm an individual that looks really hard into everything. Always have, always will. I over-analyze and create symbolic meaning for things. For example, numbers. Our house number is 819. It was perfect because 8 is my lucky number and then 9-1 equals 8. Double eights. Or, it's 8 (the day of the month of my birthday and our wedding anniversary) and 1+9 equals 10 (Max's birthday). Therefore, a perfect house number for us. Or when I turned 24 and my birthday that year was 8/8/08 which equaled 24. I've always done things like that, for as long as I can remember. The cycle of my chemical pregnancy, I thought it was so symbolic that I would have a positive test that time because the due date would be 4/4. My birthday is 8/8, my brother's is 7/7, my dad's is 12/12. How symbolic and perfect to have my Rainbow Baby with the same pattern. That was not the case. So this time, doing the calculations based on this last fertile window, it would have put my due date the same as Hudson's original date. My doctor has said that for all of my future pregnancies, I will be induced at 38 weeks. Monday, July 18 would have been the start of the 38th week. In my heart, I saw that as some kind of beautiful symbol of the struggle of losing Hudson and the new life that would have come from it. I wouldn't look at that date as a sad milestone of a missed due date, it would have held a new purpose, a special purpose. Instead of mourning that date again, it could be celebrated with new life and Hudson's May 27 birthday would be his day and July 18 would be the date this baby would share as another bond with his big brother and guardian angel. 

Well, as of Tuesday morning of this week, that is not the case. After five tries, my doctor is treating me for what she calls secondary infertility, when it was easy to conceive the first time and then not the next time. The past three of five tries have involved ovulation tests, terms I've learned like TTC (Trying To Conceive), DPO (Days Past Ovulation), CD (Cycle Day), BFN (Big Fat Negative), BFP (Big Fat Positive), PAL (Pregnancy After Loss), women wishing other women to have "baby dust" sprinkled on them this time. I know many women are instructed 8 months to a year, my doctor typically has a six month TTC rule, but she told me I more than likely will not feel "normal" until we have conceived again and she wants me back to that point as soon as my heart can bear it. My head and heart are there, though I know PAL will bring it's own new set of trials, fears and yes, even still sadness. But it's a step in the direction we need to be in, a direction we need to get back to.

So this Thanksgiving, instead of taking a pregnancy test like my fertility app had me set up to do, I will start my first round of Clomid, followed by Estrace. I will continue ovulation testing every morning, every evening, tracking the lines to look for the surge of LH (Luteinizing Hormone) to indicate ovulation. On CD21, I will go in for blood work to check my levels and know if an egg truly did release. My doctor said that though I've seen positive ovulation tests, I could produce LH but the egg may not be actually releasing. Clomid should force that, then if fertilized, Estrace will help implantation stick. In a perfect situation.

So back to Thanksgiving. A time of thanks and joy. No, it's Thanksgrieving. My child was taken from me and my womb is still bare. I have to seek out thanks and joy because it isn't occurring naturally over here.

While most of me wanted to run screaming for the hills this Thanksgiving, we are focusing on distraction and keeping busy. Cooking makes us happy, it's what we love to do together, so we are hosting just my immediate family members for dinner. Then, our door is open to any friends who are orphaned without a place to go or have finished with their own families and want to come over and watch football, have dessert and play games in the evening. We are going to surround ourselves with family and friends, with distraction, in our own home so that I can escape if I need to, and there won't be any little ones or expecting parents to trigger an unsightly reaction. I know, it's kind of awful of me to still feel that way. I can't wait to be on the other side of that.

So, we cook. We bake. We get the house ready to entertain. I have the centerpiece done, the china out. I've mapped out a list of what needs to start cooking when, how it will stay warm until we serve, and where it will be placed in a serving line. We will cook our big Thanksgiving feast, but no Parade on the TV this year because of all the reminders of the child I should have such as the Wiggles, Sesame Street and of course, Santa. 

If you are a prayerful individual, my prayer request is this: while of course I want this next cycle to be successful, for this solution to be the little nudge my body may have needed, I ask that you continue to pray for peace and comfort in our hearts. Every time there is a negative test or my cycle starts, it results in waves of my grief all over again, crashing down. It is so defeating and gut wrenching. I mourn losing Hudson all over again, I mourn the life we don't have with him, and there is an intense sadness that it is not yet time for our Rainbow Baby to bring us out of the storm. The next time I will be eligible for a pregnancy test? Christmas Day. Fantastic.

I pray for this next HJS (Harrison James? Hadleigh Jane?) baby. I pray for the continued healthy development of the Rainbow Babies I know that still have a little ways to go and the parents fearfully, yet hopefully, awaiting their arrivals.

I pray for the Parents of Loss whether they are facing their first or twelfth holiday season without their precious child. I pray for those who are missing a loved one no longer at the table this year. I pray for any person struggling with infertility and long to hold a child of their own. I pray for all of these hearts during this holiday season, a time when it is so apparent as to what is missing.

I pray to see the incredible gifts that have been bestowed on us, though grief can make you blind to them.

I recite Psalm 136:1 over and over as a mantra to my heart.

I am thankful for the man chosen to be my husband, the home we have built together, the pup that helps heal us and fill a void of someone to take care of. I am thankful for our families. I am thankful for our health, our family's health, and our friends' health. I am thankful for food on the table. I am thankful for a support system that continues to lift us. I am thankful to be Hudson's mommy.

Meatballs a la Max

Sometime after we got married (approx. three years ago), Max started making these incredibly tasty meatballs. The secret is in the different ground meats, pan searing them and then cooking them the rest of the way through in the sauce. On occasion we've played with making our own tomato sauce, but I just haven't mastered that yet, Newman's Own is still much better.

Ingredients
Yields 4-5 Servings

• 1/2 lb. lean ground beef
• 1/4 lb. ground veal
• 1/4 lb. ground pork
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 egg
• 1/2 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese
• 3 tsp. Italian flat leaf parsley, chopped
• Salt and pepper
• 1 cup Italian bread crumbs, stale and crumbled (* see note below)
• 3/4 c lukewarm water
• 1/4 cup olive oil
• Pasta of Choice
• Sauce of Choice
• Red pepper flakes

Prep time is 30 minutes.
Cook time is 1 hour.

Roll up your sleeves, it's time to get your hands dirty. To start, combine the meat in a large bowl. Add in the garlic, egg, cheese, parsley, salt and pepper.

*For the bread crumbs. We like to get a loaf of fresh Italian bread from the grocery store, then using a mini food processor, grind up 1 cup worth. Then, lay out on a flat surface for a few hours to allow them to harden a bit. For optimal use, let the crumbs be exposed to air for 24 hours OR you can bake them in the oven at 250 for 10 minutes.

Add the breadcrumbs into the meat mixture, then slowly add the water, 1/4 cup at a time. Massage the water in so that it is well absorbed before adding more.

Next it is time to shape the mixture into meatballs, then set aside.

In a large skillet, heat the olive oil on high heat. To lock in the moisture, pan sear the meatballs on each side until slightly browned, about 2 minutes, then remove. In a large pot, add the meatballs, then cover in a jar of sauce. Let the meatballs finish cooking in the sauce on low heat (simmer) for 1 hour. We add a few shakes of red pepper flakes to spice it up a bit.

Prepare your pasta of choice, then top with meatballs and sauce. Garnish with your favorite Italian cheese and additional parsley.

Brisket Chili

I received the D Magazine Cookbook as a Christmas gift from a coworker two years ago. It is filled with various recipe contributions from Dallas chefs, including a fun take on a chili recipe, submitted by the Twisted Root Burger Co. Founder and Chef, Jason Boso.

This is the original recipe:

The first time I made it, while the flavor was outstanding, it had so much liquid to it and seemed more soup-like than that of a hearty, chunky chili consistency. This time, I added some more "girth" to it with the black beans and butternut squash. Instead of stewed tomatoes, which created more excess liquid originally, I used the diced tomatoes and opted for the flavor of the fire roasted with green chiles. I switched out his granulated sugar for a more rich flavor with brown sugar. I also added the cayenne, garlic powder and my favorite secret weapon, Cajun seasoning.

This takes about 5.5 hours to make - 30 minutes prep, 5 hours in the oven.

Ingredients
Yields 8-10 Servings 

• 3 lbs. brisket, trimmed and cut into 1/2 lb. sections
• 1 large onion, chiced (that's a hybrid of chopped and diced - somewhere in the middle)
• 2 cups butternut squash, cubed
• 1 cup beef stock
• 1 can beer (I used Miller Lite because it was in the fridge)
• 1 14.5 oz can of fire roasted diced red tomatoes and green chiles
• 1 15 oz. can black beans, drained and rinsed
• 3 tbsp. tomato paste
• 5 tbsp. chili powder
• 1 tbsp. brown sugar
• 1 tsp. cayenne
• 1 tsp. cumin
• Garlic powder
• Cajun seasoning
• Sour cream (optional)
• Shredded cheese (optional)
• Green onion (optional)

Heat your oven to 275 degrees.

Season your brisket with garlic powder and Cajun seasoning. In a large cast iron pot, brown the sections of meat on all sides (3-4 at a time, don't let them touch in the pan) on high heat. Remove the meat and add the onions, scraping up the brown bits. Turn the heat down to medium and allow the onions to caramelize (15 minutes).

Add the meat back in, along with the butternut squash, black beans, diced tomatoes and green chiles. In a separate bowl, combine the liquids and the tomato paste, followed by the spices. With a wooden spoon, mix it all together thickening the base with the tomato paste, then stir in the brown sugar. Once well blended, add to the pot with meat and veggies, fully coating. Make sure the meat is submerged in the liquid at least three quarters of the way.

Place the pot in the oven and let cook for 5 hours, or until the brisket is shreddable. Once it is, completely shred, discarding any excess fat left from the brisket. Take a taste test and if you need to add any of the spices to your liking, do so.

Ladle into bowls and garnish with your choice of sour cream, shredded cheese and green onion.

Two Pink Lines

A year ago today, I woke up and knew our world was about to change for the better.

A year ago today, I made an early morning run to the drug store to buy a pregnancy test.

A year ago today, I saw two pink lines.

Sweet Hudson,

A year ago today is when you became our reality. I couldn't wait to let the world in on our little secret that we had created this precious new life, that you would be ours, that we were our own little family. I couldn't wait to hold you, to know you, and to see who you would be. I felt like I was learning your little personality with every kick, I got to hold you but the rest is paused until we are together again someday.

Just like I did at this time a year ago today, I cry, but the reasons are different. Instead of expecting parents, we are bereaved parents. Instead of learning how to do life with you, we are learning how to go through life without you. A life we had done for 30 years before you but once you entered it, it is now irrevocably changed.

A year from now, I will still think of you on this day. The day we found out about you, the day you became ours.

My heart beats for you.

With love always,

Mommy

Beef Goulew

Goulew? Nope, not a typo.

Goulash + Stew. I call it Goulew.

We had a few days of solid rain. When this happens in November, it's called crock pot weather. On a weekly grocery trip, there was a special on beef stew meat so I grabbed it and decided I'd figure it out later. After paging through some of my stew favs, I decided to make a hybrid of a traditional stew and a goulash for a tasty result.

When I said crock pot weather I deem that as a meal category that may or may not actually require a crock pot. This one does not. Using a cast iron pot, you can achieve the same look and feel in a shorter amount of time than a crock pot requires.

Now to the Goulew. Which Max likes to sing like Will Ferrell as Robert Goulet. Try it, it's more fun and perhaps the true reason behind the name.

Ingredients:
Yields 5-6 Servings

• 1 lb. beef stew meat
• Olive oil, divided
• 2 tbsp. flour
• 2 tbsp. paprika + an additional 1 tsp.
• 1 onion, chopped
• 3 cloves garlic
• 1 tsp. thyme
• 1 tsp. parsley
• 1 cup celery, diced
• 2 cups carrots, chopped into 2-3 inch sticks
• 1 16 oz. can whole peeled tomatoes
• Red Wine Vinegar
• Beef Broth

Toss the beef, flour and paprika in a bowl, coating the meat completely. In a skillet, heat the oil on medium-high heat, then begin to brown the meat on all sides, flipping every 3-5 minutes.

While that is taking place, in a large pot (such as a dutch oven), add a little more oil and sauté the garlic and onions on medium heat until fragrant. Add the beef, then the celery, carrots, thyme, parsley, and a few more shakes of paprika. Let that become nice and aromatic, about 3 minutes. Stir in the tomatoes, vinegar and beef broth, and bring to a boil. Settle everything in there, nice and cozy-like, then let it simmer for an hour on the stove.

Some people like to make it with chopped potatoes, I like mine as a base, all mashed up with cauliflower included. I made my quick, go-to version and served the Goulew.
(you know you sang that like Goulet.)

Mashed Cauliflower/Potatoes
Yields 3-4 servings

• Salt
• 2 cup frozen cauliflower
• 2 small Yukon Gold or Red Potatoes, cubed
• 1 spoonful of greek yogurt
• 2 tbsp. butter
• Paprika
• Garlic Salt

Fill a pot about 1/2 the way with water and salt it (hearty shakes, 4-5 times). Boil the potatoes on high for 10 minutes. Add cauliflower, boil for another 5-8 minutes. Once potatoes are soft enough to pierce through with a fork, remove and drain the water. Place cauliflower and potatoes in a bowl, add butter and greek yogurt, then using an electric hand mixer, beat until smooth. Season with Garlic salt and Paprika.

Sriracha Turkey Burgers with Sweet Potato Fries

 

 

Max was a bit skeptical when I said I was making turkey burgers for dinner. Then I told him they were sriracha turkey burgers and his eyes lit up a bit. This was a fun recipe to create and very quick to pull together. Paired with an easy side of crispy sweet potato wedges and you have a lightened up version of burger and fries.  

Turkey burgers:

Yields 5 patties

• 1 lb ground turkey
• 1 tsp Tamari (gluten free soy sauce)
• 1 tsp Sriracha
• 1/2 cup onions, diced
• 1/2 cup red bell pepper, diced
• Garlic powder
• Cumin
• Avocado
• Cheese of Choice
• Bread of Choice (I used Hearts of Romaine lettuce to sandwich mine for a carb-less option)

Heat your grill or griddle to desired heat.

In a skillet, heat oil then add the onion and red bell pepper. Cook until onion is translucent and bell pepper is softened. Fold the cooked onions and bell pepper into the ground turkey. Add Tamari and the Sriracha. Season with garlic powder and cumin (3-4 shakes). Form into patties (roughly 4 inches in circumference) then cook on the grill for 8-10 minutes, flipping halfway through. Top with cheese of choice (we used muenster), lettuce and avocado.

Sweet potato fries:

Yields 4 servings

• 1 large sweet potato
• Olive oil
• Salt
• Pepper
• Garlic powder
• Chili powder 

For fries, heat oven to 450. I used an apple corer to save time on chopping for initial chunks, then cutting smaller from there. Toss in the oil then season. Bake for 15 minutes, flip the fries then bake another 15 minutes. If you like them pretty crispy, you can broil for an additional 2 minutes per side for desired doneness.

Cider-Dijon Pork Tenderloin with Sweet & Spicy Sprouts

People, this is just all kinds of yum. We took a bite and thought this is what fall tastes like.

The first time I made this was roughly a month ago. I took some ingredients that I know blend well together from experience with other recipes and set out to see what we could create here. Because I wasn't following a recipe, after I finished it, I realized I didn't have the accurate amounts of each ingredient to list.

Therefore, I had to make it again.

The second time, I intended to be more accurate, paying attention to the details and writing them down as I went. I became distracted and failed miserably at that task.

Third time was the charm. This round, I made a concerted effort to get my ingredients and their measurements down on paper. Who knows how this has varied each time but the end taste has been the same, so here it is!

Ingredients
Yields 3-4 Servings

For Pork:

• 1 pork tenderloin
• 1 tbsp. olive oil
• 1/4 cup Apple Cider Vinegar
• 2 tbsp. Dijon Mustard
• 2 tbsp. Honey
• 2 tbsp. Tamari
• Sriracha to taste (I probably used about 1 tbsp.)
• Water
• Cornstarch

For Sprouts:

• 1 tbsp. Honey
• 1 tbsp. Tamari
• Red Pepper Flakes to taste

Heat the oven to 375 degrees. In a skillet, add the oil on high heat, then pan sear the tenderloin on all sides until browned, about 1-2 minutes per side.

In a saucepan, combine the ingredients for the pork and whisk on medium heat. Turn up and allow it to reduce and thicken, turning slightly syrupy - takes about 10 minutes. If it is not thickening for you, an easy trick is to take 1 tsp. of cornstarch and mix with 2 tbsp. of water, removing all clumps. If the sauce is not thick enough for your liking, take that cornstarch mixture and add, then turn up heat to boil, lower back to simmer. Continue to stir until desired thickness is reached.

Cover the tenderloin in the sauce, then bake for 18-20 minutes or until the center of the tenderloin reaches 140 degrees.

For an additional side, I've made this with cauliflower mashed potatoes and my new favorite, butternut squash puree. Both are wing-it recipes below.

Mashed Cauliflower/Potatoes
Yields 3-4 servings

• Salt
• 2 cup frozen cauliflower
• 2 small Yukon Gold or Red Potatoes, cubed
• 1 spoonful of greek yogurt
• 2 tbsp. butter
• Paprika
• Garlic Salt

Fill a pot about 1/2 the way with water and salt it (hearty shakes, 4-5 times). Boil the potatoes on high for 10 minutes. Add cauliflower, boil for another 5-8 minutes. Once potatoes are soft enough to pierce through with a fork, remove and drain the water. Place cauliflower and potatoes in a bowl, add butter and greek yogurt, then using an electric hand mixer, beat until smooth. Season with Garlic salt and Paprika.

Butternut Squash Puree
Yields 4 servings

• 1 butternut squash, cut in half and seeds removed
• 1 tbsp. brown sugar
• 1 tbsp. butter

Roast the butternut squash at 375 for 30-40 minutes. Remove from oven and scoop out the inside of the squash into a small food processor. Add in butter and brown sugar, pureeing until desired consistency.