It was my first child, I had no idea what to expect. I hadn't taken a birthing class yet, I hadn't finished reading about labor, breathing exercises, recovery, things I may need...I knew nothing. I was forced into it blind and in the worst way - my baby was already gone.
When I was in the hospital, my mom reached out to a high school friend of hers on Facebook. This tragedy had hit their family seven months earlier when her daughter learned that her baby didn't have a heartbeat. Our situations were the same: first babies, both boys, 33 weeks, cord accident. The wisdom this friend gave my mom is something I cherish. This insight helped our grieving process and provided the only memories we will ever have with our first born child, memories that we may have passed on because we didn't realize in the clouded moment how important they would be to us. This is what my fellow Loss contributors and I want to impart on you if you are ever in need.
If you ever find yourself in this position, hearing the most painful words, I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat, these things will help guide you through what you need to know.
1.) Some doctors give you the opportunity to schedule your induction, others take you immediately, depending on your situation. Because my doctor's office was at the hospital, she admitted me then and there. We didn't get a chance to let it sink in, to go home and get anything, to contact friends and family - it was immediate and sudden.
One Mother of Loss described her experience. "My doctor's office was located a few blocks away from my hospital. Upon learning he did not have a heartbeat, we were told to go home and come to the hospital the next morning at 8 am. We got our hospital bag, still took the little things we had planned to have for our baby in the hospital, our family was all able to get in town to be there every step of the way. However, I didn't sleep and I had a very hard time leaving my house again to go to the hospital knowing what I would have to do." Another Mother of Loss says, "I wish we had the ability to grab special things I had already collected for our son. I didn't think to have anyone go to our house to get them. I had special family heirlooms and monogrammed items, I would have loved to have his belongings with him in his pictures."
2.) Being induced when your body is not yet ready can mean that it may take time. All of us were told it could be 24-48 hours of labor. I was induced at 2:00 pm, I gave birth at 1:47 am so just under 12 hours. Another Mother of Loss said it took 17 hours, another was 22 hours. If they do not need to do a C-Section, they will give you a drug called Cytotec every four hours as needed. You can request an epidural whenever you need to. Expect to run a low grade fever and to have the chills.
You have a long time to be in that hospital bed. During that time, you are going to experience a lot of different emotions. You may feel as though you are having an out of body experience or a divine acceptance that we like to call Survival Mode. We knew what we had to do, at moments we broke down, at others we held it together to get ourselves through and maybe it was our maternal instincts kicking in. It's okay if you think it's helpful to watch TV. It's okay if you want to cry. It's okay if you ask for distractions.
3.) The nurses are going to ask you all kinds of things. If you want to see your baby, if you want to hold your baby, if you want pictures. You do. To all of this, you do. Trust us.
Most hospitals have
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep on call but they do have certain hours. If no one is available, designate a family member or friend to track down someone who can do professional pictures for you. One Mother of Loss says, "I kept the photo CD in a keepsake box. My pain was so deep I couldn't bring myself to look at them until after I brought my Rainbow baby home. I got out the box and I looked at those pictures for the first time, comparing how our the baby looked to his big brother and now to his little sister. I wish I had looked at them sooner, but even though it took time, I am so glad that I had them to look at so I could see the resemblance between my angel baby and my living ones."
I have looked at my pictures of Hudson every single day. They are beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. When I look at him, I see this precious baby who is a perfect combination of my husband and myself. That's who we made, he is our baby always.
4.) Know that you can spend as much time with your child as you want. Hold them, love on them, sing to them, rock them, kiss them, wrap their fingers around yours. Unwrap the blanket and look at them. See their arms, legs, their little toes and that sweet belly. Had we not unwrapped him, I never would have found the birthmark on the middle toe on his left foot, same as I have. I would have missed that serendipitous moment where I felt another bond with my baby.
Another Mother of Loss said that "at one point, I asked everyone to leave the room, even my husband. I needed a few moments alone with my baby, just the two of us, to sing to him and talk to him. All these little things I had stored away in my mind to say to him at some point in his life, I wanted that time to still do it. I needed that memory with him."
Allow the nursing staff to do hand prints, foot prints, cut a lock of hair. Get anything and everything you can to remember them by.
Give yourself as much time as you can with them because you'll never get that time back. Saying goodbye is so hard, sweet mama and daddy, it hurts so much but please know, all that baby ever knew was love.
5.) There will be end of life decisions you will need to make. If you are having a moment of calm and clarity before your baby comes, this would be a good time to discuss your wants and options. Before you leave the hospital, you will need to know whether you will do a burial or a cremation and where that will occur. If a family member, like your parents, can help take care of this for you, that is most helpful given your emotional state.
If you decide to cremate, don't feel like you need to rush into a decision of where you want to lay your child to rest. I wish I had thought about it a little more to realize that we didn't have to purchase a niche and have this permanent place for him immediately. We knew we wanted to have him cremated, because that's what we wanted for ourselves, but didn't consider that we could choose to have his ashes with us instead of in a wall. We had to suddenly discuss something so final and think about our own mortality as well.
Financially and emotionally, one Mother of Loss said "it was much easier to bring our son home with us so we didn't have to make a decision on our own final resting place at that time, too. Our judgment was already blurred, it was too difficult to think of our final wishes, and that of future children we didn't have yet. We have him in a special box and have also sprinkled some of his ashes in places meaningful to us, such as where we were married and went together on our babymoon, the three of us."
Another mother of loss said that they have their son's ashes and received a Blooming Bed at the Dallas Arboretum as a special gift from friends. This is where they go to honor their son. It isn't a place of sadness, they don't have to see his name etched in stone, but it's a place of beauty that changes by the season and offers them peace.
6.) At some point, you will need to be taken from labor and delivery into a recovery room, which normally would be on the post-partum floor. A Mother of Loss advises that "if possible, ask your nursing staff if you may be able to go to a different floor separate from other new parents and their living babies. The nursing staff can get you everything you need for recovery into those rooms in another wing. Hospital walls are not very thick, you can hear the cries of a baby next door or down the hall, and you are already enduring too much."
7.) Oh Mama and Daddy, my heart breaks all over again because you will have to say goodbye to your child. You will also have to leave the hospital without your child. You will have to go home without your child and face life in a changed way. For this, our hearts are heavy with our own memories of this and for you experiencing it.
8.) Mamas, your body will not know that there is not a child to feed, therefore, your milk will come in within 24-72 hours of giving birth. It is painful and very full of sorrow. If this is your first baby and you have no idea what to expect, ask the nursing staff what you need to know about your recovery and your body before you are discharged.
For those that want their milk to dry up, find some No More Milk Tea right away so you have it. Have someone get you sports bras and nursing pads to help with leaking. Get cold compresses/ice packs and cabbage leaves.
If you would like to donate your milk, there are options for you to do that. Your hospital may be able to provide you with local donation collections and centers.
9.) You have just given birth. Your baby may or may not have been full term. Regardless of your baby's size, your body will be going through post-partum recovery, the same as it would if you had your baby the way you should.
This is so important to remember. Some women struggle with this because without their baby, they may not feel like a mother. Your body went through labor and delivery, regardless if your baby was born alive or sleeping, there is the same kind of recovery to expect.
10.) Seek out grief resources, you will need someone to talk to in the days, weeks, months to come. Grief is a roller coaster so you need to be gentle on yourself. You are not crazy. Every single thing you feel is normal. Try not to feel angry with yourself for things you may, or may not, feel.
However, it is important to note that just like any woman that has given birth, you too will be susceptible to post-partum depression. Stay in tune with yourself and seek the help of a professional if needed. Find a counselor, therapist and/or preacher. This is vital to do for yourself as an individual and as a couple. Also, don't be ashamed to get medication to help with depression, anxiety, or sleep if it is needed. You have been through trauma that the majority of people will never experience in their lifetime. Your hospital or doctor may have a list of support groups in the area. Some helpful online support groups that also offer local chapters include:
- Swell Mamas: Life After Loss
- PAILS (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support)
- Hope Mommies
- Still Mothers
Seek out other Parents of Loss. The Mother of Loss that I've connected with have been critical in my personal healing journey. They understand the journey you are walking. When you feel like no one understands your pain, it gives you people to turn to that do. They also can celebrate the joys in life with you on a deeper level that others don't truly know.
11.) Take as much time off work as you need to, even if it is unpaid. Finances will work themselves out. Taking care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally is vital. Talk to your work about what is helpful to you when you do return. It may be helpful to start back slowly and build up to a full-time schedule again. Do not push yourself.
12.) Get out of town with your spouse. When you feel like you are ready, take a healing trip. You may need multiple chances to escape the tough reality of your new normal, to get away from everything and reconnect in a place that makes you happy. Whether that is a beach, the mountains, something new and different, or a favorite place you've been several times. Just do it for yourself and for your partner.
13.) Everyone is different, but when your doctor says you are ready and your heart feels like it is ready, start trying for another baby. This is no one's business but your own. Some couples are ready at 6 weeks, some 6 months or a year. Only you know what your head and heart can handle. The promise of new life may be what you need for your heart to soften again. Having another baby does not replace the one that is gone, but you may not feel "back on track" or "normal" again until you conceive.
14.) Forgive yourself. This is so hard. Some days you may know with every fiber of your being that there was nothing that could have been done differently. Other days you blame yourself and feel like you should have known something was wrong, or in some way you are at fault. You ask yourself if there is something you could have done to save them? You must be kind to your head and your heart, you did nothing wrong.
15.) Have patience with yourself as you navigate your new life post-loss. This is so much easier said than done. I hadn't realized it until our grief counselor shared that earlier in the month, she found herself thinking that her son would be 16 and they would be buying a car. It clicked that this wasn't short-term, this was forever. You cannot snap your fingers and wish yourself back to the person you used to be, or the life you used to have.
Family and
friends may not know the best ways to support you, try to be understanding but don't be afraid to guide them (these highlighted links would be helpful to them). Give them grace, you need them more than ever. It is okay to be selfish right now. It is okay not to hold it together. It is okay to be angry. It is okay to experience happiness in the midst of your sadness. It is okay to need to take a break from certain people in your life that hurt more than help. It is okay to feel whatever it is that you feel - it is your grief, it was your child. There is a lot you need to work through and you may need to take the time to focus on yourself to do that.
Finally, a letter to the Parents of Loss.
Sweet Mama and Daddy,
I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you and I hate that you have to know this kind of devastation and pain. I hate that life as you know it is different and your path altered from what you know. You need to know that grief is a journey, one that changes by the minute sometimes. You need to be gentle with yourself and feel whatever it is that you need to feel. As you enter your grief journey, know that you will now look at everything differently than before, and that is okay.
I began writing this to you four months ago but I have had to step away several times, including recently. You see, my heart is having a hard time lately and I want to write to you in a place of strength, not in darkness. This is an example of the grief journey, a constant ebb and flow of emotion. The first thing you need to know is that there is sunshine again. Even when it doesn't feel like you can ever smile or laugh, when you don't think you can talk without crying, or that you can feel something other than pain or numbness, know it will exist again.
When you first experience loss, you feel so close to it. You are living in the thick of it. In talking with many of my new soul friends, these Mothers of Loss, we felt closest to our child in that deep state of grief. That is also when I felt the closest to God. Shortly after I was induced, our pastor came to visit us in the hospital and he set the tone for our grieving process. All my life, I thought I was supposed to believe that God had a divine plan, that everything happened for a reason. When my pastor, this man of the Word, looked at us and told us that this wasn't God's plan, that He is mourning with us and feeling our pain, I accepted it and have stood firm in it. Because of that, none of the anger I have had throughout my grief process has been aimed in a spiritual direction. I felt the closest to God and Hudson in the month following our loss.
As time goes on, grief does not necessarily get easier, but it will become more manageable. You learn what triggers may elicit any kind of emotional reaction - on a scale of breakdown to a few tears, there's everything in between. As time wares on, some Parents of Loss refer to their grief as a dark closet you have to open and step into to allow yourself to go to that place, and others describe it as placing it up on a shelf, then they have to take it down when they need to. You do reach a point where it feels further away, but it is always there.
As I write this, my husband and I just weathered through the five month mark. Each month on the 27th, our hearts are a little extra tender. I have a particularly hard time with Wednesdays, waking up in a state of gloom. In your marriage, there will be times that you lean on him, there will be times that she leans on you. A lot of the time, you will be leaning on each other when neither one of you is strong enough to stand individually, but together you are. Communicate with one another, always. There are things that may hurt one of you but not the other. Help each other through that to constructively figure out what you both need in order to grieve. Talk about your child together. Cling to each other. Talk. Cry. Scream. If you do, your marriage will only be stronger.
Take your time and grieve at the pace you are comfortable with. There is no rush when it comes to grief - even if you wanted to, you can't. You might have moments when you think you are doing really well and then just like that, it hits you again. That's perfectly normal. One reason it was so hard to finish this letter to you was because I was planning to have it complete by the end of this Pregnancy Loss and Awareness Month, which would fall on Halloween. A "holiday" I felt I would be okay for, but I was so wrong about that. I spent six hours in our bed or on the couch, crying or staring at the computer, wanting to write but the words wouldn't flow, only tears. It was a realization that a year ago, I was actually pregnant at that time, but didn't know it yet. That in the coming weeks, I would hit the milestone of discovering that we were pregnant with our Hudson. A reminder that Halloween is the start of the "holiday season" and we had imagined this time to look very different. How right about now I just want to close my eyes and wake up in January, to skip the next two months completely. Or hop on a plane to go somewhere new, away from everything, to just escape. This is part of the journey.
I leave you with this, "someone once told me the analogy that losing a child is like suffering a horrible wound. At first it is gaping and oozing and raw. Then it starts to heal and itch and may get infected, becoming worse before it can get better, but slowly the wound closes. It finally heals but there will always be a scar. Sometimes you spend too much time in the sun and the scar darkens and appears more prominent. It never goes away, it is part of you. It is the "new" you. Every time you look at it you are reminded of the time and place when you got that scar. But it makes you the person that you are and you are still beautiful."
Much love to you from those who know and understand,
Hudson's Mommy, Austin's Mommy, Lennon's Mommy, Greyson's Mommy, Wells' Mommy, Kollyns' Mommy and Olivia's Mommy
