Ten Seconds

The other night I had some quiet time to myself. I needed something mindless so I took to Netflix and found myself watching the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. This is not at all a terrible show, in case you were wondering but then again, how can something by Tina Fey be terrible? I kind of love it. 

As I sat there watching the first episode, the affable Ellie Kemper (Kimmie Schmidt) gives brilliant and beautiful advice. “Do you think you can handle this for 10 more seconds?” she asks at one point. “You can handle anything for 10 seconds. Then, you just start a new 10 seconds.”

I sat there and was almost put out that this silly show caused me to stop and think. It made me reflect on the way I've tried to manage my triggers by avoiding them as much as possible. The way I can feel the pain coming on sometimes without cause and then I'm flooded in it.

That night in particular, I was exhausted from the day but other than that, I had been in relatively high spirits. In the past couples weeks, I felt I had hit a break through in my grief, having learned to start channeling it ways that brought me comfort and peace, but also made me feel constructive and productive - that is a post for another time. Max and I had a plan for the holidays so my anxiety had been lifted but there was still a looming sadness that would hit with certain Christmas songs or store window displays around town reminding me what Christmas with a child should be like. 

Though I had been experiencing some very good days (consecutively, which is a big deal) today however, I spiraled down again after receiving some tough news from my doctor. As I had shared with you at the end of November, without any difficulties in conceiving Hudson, trying to get pregnant again has proved to be challenging. After the last 5 months of trying, I finally asked my doctor what we could do because I needed hope. I was ready to do anything to be that much closer to having a baby in our arms. Though I did have a pregnancy and made it into my eighth month, my child is gone. It feels as though we've been trying all this time, essentially for 14 months. This month I went on Clomid. I went in for blood work this week to check my progesterone levels. Though I've had positive ovulation tests since I started charting in September, that doesn't necessarily mean I am releasing an egg. The blood screening would check my progesterone levels which would be high if I had released an egg or if I had conceived. After 9 days of positive ovulation tests - which is not normal but they said Clomid could cause that - I had positive thoughts. My body was definitely releasing the surge of Luteinizing Hormone (LH) which precedes an egg release. However, my blood work showed a low progesterone level of a 2, meaning I had not ovulated meaning I had not conceived.

I feel consumed with anger, frustration, sadness, and confusion. I lack understanding and the ability to stay graceful towards others. After hearing from my doctor, I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to function, I didn't want to do all the things I needed to do, the things people were counting on me to do. I wanted to allow myself to dwell in all those emotions because sometimes, you just want to. Then I remember the many other people in my life that are coming to terms with their own grief for one reason or another or those having fertility issues as well. I'm not the only one, so today I counted to ten. I can do anything for ten seconds, even if it is painful and hard. Even if it is the last thing I want to do because I'd rather surrender to my grief. I count to ten, then if my heart and head are still screaming, I'll count to ten again, and again, and again until the inner turmoil ceases or can at least chill for a little while.

For those battling grief or a difficult season of life, let's just take it ten seconds at a time. As Christmas draws closer, and all the ugly feelings start to stir, I'll be counting to ten with you.

We can do this.
Ten seconds at a time.

Thanks Kimmy Schmidt.

Shaved Brussels Sprout Salad

My friend Casey brought this salad over for dinner recently and I had to have the recipe. This type of salad is my absolute favorite and I was thrilled to find an easy enough copycat recipe that is just as good as the restaurant versions I crave. She found it on the Pinch of Yum blog and shared it with me, so I must share it with you.

We added it to dinner as a side but it can easily be a full meal for either dinner or lunch.

Ingredients:
Yields 4 servings for a side

For Salad:

• 20-25 brussels sprouts (makes about 3 cups shredded)
• 3 slices of bacon
• 1/2 cup pomegranate arils
• 1/4 cup slivered almonds
• 1/2 cup freshly grated Parmigiano Reggiano

For Dressing:

• 1 shallot, chopped
• Juice of 1 orange
• Juice of 1 lemon
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 2 tbsp. honey (I added an additional tbsp to thicken)
• 2 tbsp. Greek yogurt
• 1 tbsp. Dijon mustard (I added this ingredient because after tasting it the first time without, I felt it needed something. This gave it another savory flavor and another dimension.)
• 1/3 cup olive oil

Start by frying the bacon over low heat until crispy. Remove and set aside to dry on paper towels. Crumble and set aside.

The shredding of the brussels sprouts is probably the most time consuming part of this, but using a box cheese greater makes it go by quickly. I always chop off the end of the sprout, then peel back the top layer leaves that are often discolored. Using the slicing blade on the cheese grater (located on the side), shred the sprout. You can gently massage them to help separate the sprouts from one another and fluff a bit.

Toss the shaved sprouts, bacon crumbles, pomegranate arils, almonds and the grated cheese together.

Place all the dressing ingredients in the food processor and pulse until creamy. This made a lot of dressing, I used about 1/4 cup of it and kept the rest for salad use later this week. 

Toss the salad with dressing and serve.

For Better or For Worse

December 8, 2012 

I, Katie, take you Max.

To be my lawfully, wedded husband.

To have and to hold, from this day forward.

For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, 'till death do us part.

This is to be my solemn vow.

Three years ago, I said these words with a shaky voice and tear-filled eyes. Looking at him, I pictured our life together. Buying our first house, traveling the world, having babies, raising a family, retiring, growing old together and all the wonderful moments in between. 

You don't stand there picturing the pain and heartache that life can bring.

When I stood at that alter as his bride, I never thought that the for worse part of our vows would be put to the test so early into our forever after. I didn't envision that we'd gather at the same church, just two and a half years later, with at least a third of that sanctuary who watched as we exchanged our wedding vows now joining to mourn with us after the death of our first baby. Music speaks to me and for our wedding ceremony, we used a family favorite hymn Be Thou My Vision during the seating of the families. That hymn was chosen because of the way our parents and grandparents shaped us to be who we have become, they had been our vision when we couldn't always see. It was the first song played in the wedding ceremony procession and chosen as the first song we sung at Hudson's funeral.

While I couldn't ever imagine this type of pain, I did anticipate sorrow at some point because that is life. I will tell you that everything does not happen for a reason until I am blue in the face, but I do believe that every good and perfect thing comes from Him (James 1:17) and my husband is at the very top of that list. Therefore, I knew that under any circumstance, this is the man chosen for me to go through life with. I've spent some time this week looking at our wedding pictures. I see the look of sheer joy and happiness. I see the love between us, the love that is somehow even stronger in my heart today than it was three years ago. It is that love that sustains us, an unconditional love to carry us through both the for better and the for worse. 

 

Last year we clinked glasses of ice water as we toasted to our 8 week sonogram and two years of wedded bliss, anticipating the joy of starting our family with our first little one on the way. Our third year of marriage did not turn out the way we had planned for it to, a year later, it is still just the two of us with a lot of heartache and sorrow. However, the love has grown exponentially. This year I toast my husband, a man who has the integrity and fortitude of my father, as well as the compassion and resilience of my grandfather. I am thankful to have him as my partner and best friend, that this is the man I get to celebrate the for better with and battle the for worse alongside of. This year as we celebrate, we are both a little broken, but together we are whole. He has carried me through the last six months during times I could not stand. Then there are times I've stood a bit taller when he's needed to lean on me to get by. Our life looks different than we thought it would, but as long as I have him by my side, it's the life I want to have. Together, we can weather any storm.

To have and to hold.
Forever and always.

Short Rib Pot Pie

Next time you find yourself making this Butternut Short Rib Ragu, this too can be yours. After making the ragu for a girls holiday dinner, I found myself with leftovers and wanting to reinvent it for a new meal. I had been playing with another idea for a Cajun Chicken Pot Pie - I'll get to that, maybe around Mardi Gras - and that's when it occured to me that this little hybrid could be prettay, prettay good. 

All you need is the recipe for the short rib, some crescent rolls, a muffin pan and then you are set.

Each crescent roll tube will make 4 servings, so plan accordingly. Instead of ripping them apart in the triangles, leave them as one big rectangle. Set that into a large muffin slot on the tin, pressing down to create a small pie-like base. Fill with 1 large or 2 small scoops, then fold the sides over top.

Bake in the oven at 350 degrees for 15 minutes.

Chicken Curry and Veggies

 Going on the ninth consecutive night of cooking dinner at home, we were a little bored and having a hard time coming up with something inspiring. We sat there at lunch asking, "so what do you want for dinner?" "I don't know, what do you want for dinner?" Over and over...and over. We sounded like the vultures from the Jungle Book (please tell me you know what I'm talking about). Max finally had an a-ha moment and remembered one of the first dishes we made together, one of his favorites that we used to make a lot, then kind of forgot about as we continued to try new recipes.

This is a great low calorie, low fat, high protein dinner solution that takes all of 30 minutes to make if you grab pre-chopped veggies at your local grocery store. Both Whole Foods and Central Market have pre-chopped onions and sweet potatoes, as well as cubed chicken, so all you'd have to chop is the bell pepper.

Ingredients:
Yields 4-5 servings

• 1 lb. chicken, cubed
• 1/4 cup + 1 tbsp. Soy-Ginger Sauce, divided (I have the 365 brand)
• 1 onion, diced
• 1 red bell pepper, diced
• 2 cups sweet potato, cubed
• 3 tsp. curry powder
• 2 tsp. cumin
• 1 tsp. chili powder
• dash of cayenne
• 3/4 cup low fat, unsweetened coconut milk 
• Base of choice (rice, quinoa)

Boil the cubed sweet potatoes until, softened and you are able to pierce with a fork. Drain and set aside. While those are cooking, marinate the cubed chicken in the soy-ginger sauce.

In a wok, add the chicken and cook on medium-high heat for 10-12 minutes or until the chicken is cooked through. Remove from the wok and set aside.

Add the onion and bell pepper to the wok, allowing them to soften. Once the onion is translucent, add the sweet potato to the wok and turn up the heat. Cook the vegetables until lightly browned, then return the chicken to the wok to join the veggies.

In a small bowl, combine 1 tbsp. of the Soy-Ginger sauce and the coconut milk.

Sprinkle the spices over top the veggies and chicken, coating well, then pour in the coconut milk mixture. Take a taste and then add your desired amount of cayenne pepper to give it the right amount of kick for your taste. 

I used a brown rice/quinoa blend as a base and ladeled the curry over top. 

Six Months

 Give thanks in all circumstances...

I Thessalonians 5:18

Dear Hudson,

Sweet baby, six months have come and gone. It has now been half a year without you. Some days it feels so far away but the pain is still so raw, I close my eyes and suddenly it feels like it was yesterday. 

Six months. What would we be doing with you right now? What milestones would we be experiencing? Who would you be? What would you look like?

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. 

Last Thanksgiving, I was 6 weeks pregnant with you, trying to keep it from everyone. I remember looking around the room of Camp Dickson, with the secret of you in my head, thinking about how the next year would be so fun with you there. This year, we had to do things differently, I needed change. I thought different would help. Your Daddy and I stayed busy, we cooked a full meal and hosted Thanksgiving for the first time with your Grandparents, your MaMaw and Uncles, Michael and Patrick. I had a place for you at the table, next to me. I imagined you in the high chair that would sit to my right. Maybe we would have introduced some solid foods by this point, like sweet potatoes, bananas or peas. Maybe I would have tried to make my own puree, a little something special for your first Thanksgiving. You'd make a mess, we'd laugh, I'd clean you up with your Grandma and MaMaw helping because they just want to touch those cheeks and chubby hands. I'd rub our twin noses together and then your Daddy would get up from the table, lift you high above his head and blow a raspberry on your tummy, he'd walk around with you to relax you. Your Uncles would take turns playing with you but ultimately, you would end up in your Granddaddy's arms as we all watched football while you drifted off to sleep. We'd feel so complete.

Over the next few weeks I'll be picturing the life we should have had together, the joy we would be experiencing. We would be celebrating three years of marriage with you in tow. Celebrating your baptism with friends and family, which I had planned to do the weekend after our anniversary. Would you have been the baby Jesus at the church's Lessons and Carols? Would we be doing pictures for our first Christmas card as a little family this weekend? The other day we ran to the mall and while walking through, I saw the Santa Workshop. I envisioned us taking you to sit on Santa's lap and we'd laugh as you either loved it or hated it. Can you believe that mall Santa is the same one that was there when I was little? I have your Christmas stocking, I got an extra one last year when picking them for your Daddy and I because I was too excited about the thought of you. I never imagined it wouldn't turn out the way I had pictured.

Hudson, I had so many ideas and plans for us, especially for the holidays. The traditions we would start together, the way we would celebrate as a family. I wish you were here to do that with, to experience it all with. So I'll picture it in my mind, live it with you in this parallel universe. I will have to patiently wait for the day to come when you have a little brother or sister that will join our family and we can experience these things with them, finding special ways for your memory to be part of it, but I'll always envision you there among us. My dark, curly haired boy with chubby cheeks and brown eyes. I imagine you with brown eyes like your Daddy.

Some days it is really hard to be thankful, but I am, even in this sadness. Know this, I am so thankful for you Hudson. I am thankful that you made me a mother. I am so thankful to have my faith and know that I will see you again.

I love you. I miss you. I am always thankful for you.

Mommy

Buttermilk Pecan Pie

 

Growing up, buttermilk chess pie was a treasured favorite for both my dad and myself. A month ago I went to a luncheon at the Dallas Women's Club with speaker P. Allen Smith, gardener extraordinaire and overall, ultimate renaissance man. I was in awe of his Arkansas plantation and everything he does with it, check it out.

For lunch, they used a few of his recipes including this buttermilk pecan pie. I was skeptical because I do not love pecans. Yes, I am southern and do not care for pecans. There, I said it. However, I tried it because I couldn't resist the buttermilk pie aspect and ended up very pleasantly surprised by the combination. We each received recipe cards and I told my dad I was going to kick his hiney at our buttermilk pie bake off.

Quick funny story: the recipe card had a typo on it. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please direct your attention to the highlighted portion of the document below.

 

Notice how it calls for 14 cup of flour. I couldn't comprehend how in the world a pie would call for 14 cups of anything, never the less, a thickening agent like flour. I then noticed the cup was not plural. I googled Mr. Smith and his pie to discover it called for 1/4 cup. If I had been on autopilot mode, I would have tried to do 14 cups of flour. Like the time I tried to make oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and didn't pay attention to the fact that I was using a 4 cup measuring glass and the recipe was, well, doubled with just oats by accident. This is why I don't bake y'all. Cooking allows me to just do ma' thing and add as I go to taste, baking requires me to pay attention and be precise.

For a non-baker like myself, this was easy as... well, pie. I used a store-bought crust and had this in the oven in just under 30 minutes. Candying the pecans taking up most of the prep time. This was so good, and I can't wait to serve it tomorrow. I'm having a personal victory of baking something from scratch that worked on the first time. So, if I can do it you can do it too. Do make sure you get a deep dish crust, my first pie was more shallow and didn't fit all of the filling. My second pie was a deep dish crust and it was perfect.

Enjoy! I may or may not be enjoying a slice as I finish typing.

Ingredients:
Serves 8

For the filling:

• 8 tablespoons (1 stick of butter, melted)
• 1 1/2 cups sugar
• 3 eggs, beaten
• 1/4 cup all purpose flour
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract
• 1 cup buttermilk
• 1 easy pie crust, unbaked

For the Candied Pecans:

• 1 cup pecan halves, plain
• 1/4 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
• 1/4 cup dark corn syrup

Start with making the pecans first. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line a jelly-roll pan with aluminum foil, and lightly grease the foil. In a small mixing bowl, combine the pecan halves and brown sugar, stirring in the corn syrup until well coated. Spread the mixture out on the pan and bake, stirring every 4 minutes as the glaze thickens, for 12 minutes.

Remove the pan from the oven and spread the pecans in a single layer on wax paper. Let the pecans cool completely (I put them in the fridge to assist with this).

Now heat the oven to 325 degrees. Combine all the filling ingredients in a mixing bowl and pour the mixture into the unbaked pie shell. Scatter the chopped glazed pecans evenly on top of the pie filling.

Bake for 1 hour or until set. Let the pie cool on a wire baking rack. Chill until ready to serve, then let it sit out to serve at room temperature.