Hudson,
My little guy, my baby boy, my only son. Today is your third birthday. It's been three years since I last got to look at you, to hold you, and give you kisses. Three years since we got to meet you. Three years since we said goodbye to you.
These three years since you left us, I feel like I've lived another entirely different lifetime. I look back and sometimes am still in disbelief that this has been part of our life and our story. That we really endured the loss of our son, and it has truly changed every part of me. I spent time the other day going through your things and your pictures. I look at it all and it doesn't seem real. In those pictures, I look at myself and your Daddy, our tears and the pain stricken faces. I feel it all over again as if I was right back in that moment. It still hurts like hell and rips my heart apart, feeling the raw emotion as if it had just happened, all over again.
It's another year you've been gone and life has continued on. Life does that. It does continue on. Something I couldn't fathom three years ago when ours halted to a stop. Since that time, we've done quite a bit of growth and change. We've moved, we've switched jobs, we've gone on to welcome two babies. The healing your baby sisters have brought us is immeasurable, but my heart will always feel the void of my son who isn't here with us.
When times become difficult, I try to find you in ways to know you are watching over us. All month I've seen a blue jay in our yard perched on the fence or fluttering throughout the yard and the trees. One day there were three of them chasing each other around. Your magnolia tree has grown so much since it was planted a year ago, but the majority of growth has been throughout May. It started budding toward the end of April, but on Mother's Day the first bloom opened and it's been blooming ever since. A neighbor had a party and a blue balloon danced into our yard and just kind of hoovered a bit before it popped on its own. These are the little Hudson Hellos that I count on to get me through the hard days, and there have been a lot of hard days. Even this morning, as I fought back tears, the moment we turned on the car, our song came on the radio. Immediately I had peace and a warmth in my heart as Wagon Wheel played.
I will always wonder what our life together would have brought. There were a number of little boys born around the time you were, and it was painful to see them for a long time, but now when I look at them and others, I try to picture you among them. They look so grown up and aren't babies anymore. I realize that I have no idea what my big boy would look like right now and that is a very sad thought for a Mommy to have. It takes my breath away to see another Hudson or hear the name called out by someone else, meant for someone else. I look at our family photos and miss the little boy who should be smiling with us, or proudly holding his sisters. I miss the mother/son relationship I hear is so special and the father/son bond I don't get to watch between you and your Daddy. I am sad for your sisters who don't get to have a big brother here with them to laugh with, learn from, and even to fight with. It is painful that your only boy cousin wanted another boy in the family but you were the only one he would get, and you are gone.
I think about the time I had with you in my arms. I think about all the things I wanted to try to remember, things I felt like I should tell you because I would never again have the chance to, and promises I made. One of those promises was that you would never be forgotten, and baby boy, I try to live by that promise every day. I try to live for you and create whatever I can in your name and continue to weave you into the fibers of our family. I want to make you proud.
Recently, I had allowed myself to go through everything we had collected for you. In preparation to find out if this third baby was a boy or a girl, I allowed myself to go there and prepare for a boy just in case. I washed everything and had them ready, but on April 2, we met our Hannah. Another sister you hand-picked just for us. Coming home, it was bittersweet because all of those things we had saved, they didn't serve a purpose anymore. We weren't going to have a living son to use them. Coping with that, I realized that it wasn't that I wanted Hannah to be a boy, I didn't. I loved that baby girl fiercely. I realized that the only boy I wanted was you, I wanted our first born. I used to think our hearts wouldn't be complete until we had a little boy, but we do have one and he awaits us in Heaven. As beautiful as it sounds, it still breaks my heart.
Today we took your sisters to the zoo. I thought maybe we'd have a wild and three themed party, so the zoo seemed like something we would do if you were here. Hadley loves animals right now and is learning the sounds they make. I felt like the two of you would be having the best time together, as baby Hannah slept. There were flowers on the church alter today in your memory. I even baked a cake for you! We wrote notes and will send them to Heaven on the three balloons that we will release at the park once your sisters wake up from nap time. We will visit you at your resting place and introduce you to Hannah - it will be the first time she'll be with us to visit. It was hard to get out of bed and have the celebratory spirit to do these things, because all I want to do is cry, but you deserve them, so my pain can wait. Next week we will celebrate you even more at your golf tournament event! We are very fortunate to have so many special friends who will join us in that.
I hope you know how badly you are missed and how much your family wishes you were here. Happy birthday, Hudson. We celebrate you always.
Nosies,
Mommy
