Boy or Girl?

Final sonogram picture before delivery, who will you be little one?

Going through a pregnancy without knowing gender has been something that I've pleasantly surprised myself with the ability to do, but with it has come a lot of questions when it comes to gender. As a perpetual planner, this kind of goes against every fiber in my being. When receiving the question, my answer to that has been that I've wanted to legitimately be surprised, therefore, try to be confused without a strong intuition one way or the other, for several reasons. I will say that I've had gut feelings almost immediately with both Hudson and Hadley that have been accurate. It's hard not to, and though I tried to ignore it, I have had that this pregnancy too. Up until the 25 week mark, my Jiminy Cricket said boy. I was really trying not to have a feeling either way because that was defeating the purpose of not finding out. At our 25 week appointment, the 4D sono that we had showed the clearest view at that point of baby's little face. Baby looked just like Hadley so I started to have a hard time picturing anything but another girl. Since then, baby changes each time and it's hard to tell so I was left confused again and that's where I've tried to stay. In these final few weeks, emotions of what is coming have caught up to me and I've tried to allow myself the chance to process those a little bit before delivery.

When asked that question - you know, when people give you that look in conversation and are all like, yeah okay but what do you really hope to have, boy or girl? - honestly it makes me shudder a bit because the answer and the deep truth is simply:
A healthy baby.
A living baby.
A baby we get to take home with us.

That's all that matters and the gender just doesn't to me, but that's not to say that I don't have feelings about the gender and in this case I have feelings about both.

People have asked why I've been so vocal that this is the last baby and it's because after experiencing a stillbirth, going through a pregnancy again - any number of pregnancies that you are able - takes a lot out of you. Pregnancy in general does and I don't discount that at all. Whether you've experienced a loss or not, there are all kinds of issues that can arise that can make it difficult on a woman from a physical standpoint, maybe an emotional one for some. Pregnancy following loss is draining physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. It takes a toll on every aspect of your life and my third trimesters are where risk seems to lie. This third trimester has been a roller coaster in which every time I went in, I felt like there was something, or I had the anxiety that there would be something. We originally planned for three kids and we have that, just in a different way. It's a way that we are completely at peace with and after this baby, are looking forward to raising our family and enjoying these next stages of our family growing up.

However, because I know this is our last baby, that makes this pregnancy and delivery emotional in a different way than Hadley's was. We've been through the sudden loss of a baby at a gestational age that he was absolutely viable to live if we could have known there was an issue and intervened in time. We've been through fertility issues after that loss. We've been through two pregnancies following that, both up and down with emotions and health issues. In no way do I take being pregnant for granted, and I'm thankful for the gift of it each and every day, but that doesn't mean that it can't completely overwhelm you, exhaust you, and make you a headcase of a person. It's a delicate line to walk and even though this has been my most difficult pregnancy due to issues this third trimester, I'm thankful for it every day but I know it's not something I can or should do again.

As birth nears - two days away at this point - I've been thinking a lot about who this little one is and there are a lot of emotions that surround it. One of my promises in writing is to be transparent, so that's what you will get. As it stands at this very moment, I have very deep joys and fears for either gender. I've know that there will be immense relief and excitement regardless, but have also accepted that there will be grief either way. Let me explain.

Having another girl. It feels right. It feels easy, we've done this with Hadley, we have all the things (and clothes galore!). I didn't have a sister, so there's this excitement for Hadley and this new baby if it is a girl to have that close, sister relationship - especially with such a small age gap. On the flip side, there would be a grief that is inevitable to follow because at one point, I was all in as a boy mom. I couldn't wait, I couldn't wait to see my husband with his son. The mother/son activities I envisioned in our future that would just be dreams, not having the chance to dance with him at his wedding someday, and when friends say that little boys just love their mamas so much and not experiencing what they mean by that - especially when I had been so close to that before. Having another girl would be the final realization that the chance to have a son, to mother a son, died when Hudson did. That's part of the grief that comes with losing the baby boy I gave birth to but who didn't get to stay.

Having another boy. In a way, that feels right too. When I was pregnant with Hadley, before finding out gender, I remember fearing that I was going to have a hard time switching my mindset from boy to girl. I remember feeling like my heart wouldn't feel complete without having that living boy in our family. But she completely fulfilled us and I did not have a problem switching that mindset once it was our reality. That's where my grief was then and as I've said, it continues to evolve. That is why we didn't find out the gender this time. The other piece to it was that we had a honeymoon pinky promise that if we had one of each and were having a third, I'd feel prepared for the surprise at delivery, which Max would have wanted from the start. So there was that, but there was also this heavier need to not know, an underlying fear that if I knew we were having a boy, I would allow that to stress me more during an already stressful pregnancy. I would compare every little detail to my pregnancy with Hudson. I would obsess and worry more than I needed to in fear this little boy wouldn't come home with us either. So to keep our eyes on the prize of getting a healthy baby here, safe and sound, and try to alleviate stress, we thought this would be the best approach. I envision a very emotional reaction if when baby comes and the moment Max says "it's a...." and that answer is boy. I will be completely overwhelmed to hold our living son in my arms. However, I fear the grief that will come from it as we take him home and begin life together with our son. Sure we have experienced things we had missed as a family once we had a living baby, but to have a boy, then I feel like we would really know what we've missed these almost three years without Hudson. I even worry I'd call the baby Hudson by accident. If it is a boy, I want him to stand on his own and for my broken heart to not still be so broken that I feel weak trying to be his mother. At the same time, receiving Hadley into our lives was a beautiful kind of redeeming love from the devastating loss we had endured. If we were given the opportunity to have another son, it would be met with the same feelings, too.

It's a lot to process. It's a lot of deep feeling and emotion surrounding this baby and who they are. Each one of our babies holds a special place - Hudson as our angel, Hadley has our answered prayer, this baby as our great surprise. Regardless, of what April 2 holds and the big reveal of who this little one is, in my heart I know our family will be complete and I will remember that as I continue to process the immense joy and the inevitable grief.

Make a Meal: Skinny Meatloaf + Maple Whipped Sweet Potatoes + Parmesan Roasted Green Beans

On my previous cooking blog, I used to do Make a Meal Mondays, but then I decided not to limit to one day and would post a Make a Meal whenever I made a full meal worth sharing, rather than just a part of it. I found that oftentimes when I was searching for meal inspiration, I appreciated the full meal, not just an entree or a side, so that's what I wanted to provide when possible.

About a month ago, I thought I would finally jump on the band wagon of the InstaPot. We had given my parents one for Christmas two years ago and so I asked mom if I could borrow it to give it a test drive before we invested in our own. I was hesitant to use one because, and I've said this for years, I'm not a big fan of the crock pot. I used to use one all the time, and sure they can really help to make life easier, but call me super picky - there is a crock pot taste. I don't know how else to describe it, but though it make take me longer, I appreciate the taste and flavor from slow cooking in an iron pot than the crock pot. So I didn't know how I was going to feel about the InstaPot, but with another baby coming and our life with two under two getting closer, I thought now would be a good time to try it and see what kind of ease it could add to meal making and more so, the time of making food for our family.

Well, for anyone that follows my Instastories, you saw my first attempt with it was a bust. I had seen a meatloaf and mashed potatoes recipe that sounded like a great idea, but in my own experience, it just didn't turn out. I actually used my favorite go-to meatloaf recipe that I had found in a magazine years ago and continued to adapt into the way we liked it, but aside from that, I did everything this one told me to do for how to prepare it. In the end, the meatloaf was under-cooked, but the potatoes were burnt - and yes, I cooked with the proper amount of liquid it said to provide.

So I ended up finishing the meatloaf in the oven and scraping the burnt bits off the potatoes to still be able to make a tasty dinner. The experience did help me in realizing a few things:

1. I really loved my meatloaf recipe and we hardly ever make it anymore. Needed to change that. 
2. If I had made it my way to begin with, it would have only taken 10 minutes longer than using the Pot of Doom. 
3. and probably most importantly.... I didn't have an InstaPot. I had a Cuisinart Pressure Cooker. They are not the same thing, contrary to what I had thought. They require different instructions for cooking things, InstaPot being faster than a Pressure Cooker. Who knew? Not I. My mom enlightened me. 

Here I was thinking that InstaPot and a Pressure Cooker were interchangeable. I thought it was like brands of paper towels. One may be Bounty, the other Brawny but they are the same thing. Or like in the Texas, we call every soft drink a "Coke" but it could be a Sprite, or Dr. Pepper. I thought InstaPot was just a brand of pressure cooker and they were all the same. So we can attribute that to my dinner-making mess up.

However, since then, I have tried a few other things in my pressure cooker not InstaPot, while trying to use the correct instructions for a pressure cooker and it's just still not really working out for me. I just can't seem to get the timing right for the recipes I try. I would rather do it the "long way" since that seems to work better for me.

Not all is lost, though. That incident did remind me how much we enjoy our meatloaf recipe and it was Hadley approved, so as I made our meal plan and grocery list on Sunday, it was first up in our menu for the week. As for the time and ease aspect of making it, I used to make this quick and easy in 30 minutes for Max and myself when it was just the two of us. Add in a 16 month old who wants to be held all the time right now, and that did throw a little kink to it, but between tempting her with her own "nom noms" and distracting her in the high chair with some BabyFirst TV screen time, this recipe was quick in prep and completely doable with a small human.

So what makes the meatloaf skinny? It may all be tomayto/tomahto but I sub out heavier ingredients for lighter versions. For instance, instead of using all beef, I use half lean ground beef and half ground turkey. I also use 2 egg whites, as opposed to 1 full egg, panko breadcrumbs rather than biscuits or chunks of bread, and skim milk as opposed to whole. One last tip is that while I do not mind onion, many do, but I don't love the crunch of chopped onion in my meatloaf. So, I grate my onion instead. This helps to enhance the flavor, it really permeates. I do this in sauces too!

Speaking of sauces, the last directive I leave you with for this recipe. I used to make a ketchup sauce that was just really tasty, it was a typical meatloaf ketchup glaze. However, we discovered this Bronco Bob's BBQ Bacon Chipotle Sauce last year during Central Market's Bacon Fest. It was life changing. I tried it on the meatloaf and it was incredible, taking the place of a traditional ketchup-based sauce glaze. If you need a sauce you can whip up real quick, click here for one but note that the ingredients for it are not included below.

Ingredients:
For meatloaf

Yields 3-4 servings

• 3/4 lb. lean ground sirloin
• 3/4 lb. lean ground turkey
• 1 cup Panko breadcrumbs
• 1/4 cup fresh Parsley, chopped
• 1/4 cup grated onion
• 2 egg whites
• 3 tbsp. skim milk
• 2 tbsp. Worcestershire sauce
• 1 tbsp. garlic, minced
• Lightly season with salt and pepper
• Sauce (whatever you decide to use)

For Maple Whipped Sweet Potatoes

• 3 medium sized sweet potatoes
• 1 tbsp brown sugar
• 2 tbsp butter
• Maple syrup

For Parmesan Roasted Green Beans 

• I follow the Skinnytaste recipe exactly, no need to retype it out! 

To begin, set your oven to 400 degrees. 

Chop your sweet potatoes, place in a pot of water on the stove on medium-high heat to bring to a boil. As those cook, use your hands to combine your ground meats, breadcrumbs, parsley, onion, egg whites, milk, Worcestershire and garlic in a bowl. Mold the ingredients into a loaf, then place in a baking dish. I like to line my baking dish with foil for easy clean up and to prevent the sauce from burning onto the dish. 

Bake in the oven for 35 minutes, then remove and top with sauce. While meatloaf is cooking, prepare the green beans as according to the recipe link above. Place back in oven and cook another 10 minutes. At this time, you can also put your green beans in too. 

While the meatloaf bakes, tend to your sweet potatoes. Once they are easy to pierce with a fork, remove. I like to use my large food processor for a very whipped consistency, but you can use electric beaters or a potato masher as well. First add the butter in with the potato chunks to get that nice and soft from the heat. Next add the brown sugar, and finally I take the maple syrup and add about two circular squeezes, then begin to mix. If using electric beaters or a potato masher, you may need a little more liquid such as milk, but if using a food processor, your consistency will not need the excess liquid. Blend or mash until all chunks are gone and keep warm until ready to serve. 

Remove meatloaf from oven and make sure internal temperature has reached 160 degrees. Let sit for about 5 minutes before cutting. During that 5 minutes, add the Parmesan to the green beans and bake for a final 5. 

If you follow these steps, the timing should all match up perfectly to complete each part of dinner to be ready to serve at the same time. Plate and enjoy!