Chili Garlic Shrimp 'n Grits

Y'all, I can't say enough delicious things about this dish.

I started making different shrimp and grits variations six years ago during a cooking phase where I was would attempt to recreate our restaurant favorites. I continuously tweak the sauce a bit, depending on what I have in my pantry and fridge. As for our base, I've played with Parmesan polenta, cheddar grits, and goat cheese polenta recipes. This time I saw a shredded Gruyere in the cheese section, deciding to go for it. That was a fantastic decision.

You can make this more of a sweet and spicy by using sweet red chili sauce, which is what I usually do. This time I had a roasted red chili paste in the fridge from making my Thai turkey lettuce wraps, and I decided to use that which I felt created a more robust flavor. I also added garlic and together with the Sriracha and other ingredients, this made for a perfect sauce for the shrimp.

I try to make these a little healthier than traditional grits recipes, by using a butter/olive oil combo rather than all butter, and I do use a fat free skim milk instead of whole milk or half and half.

This recipe truly takes no time at all (20 minutes or less) and can be done in four simple steps. It does take a little bit of concentration to make sure you don't burn the butter (I did when making it last night because I let the pan heat up too hot, but it was my first step so I could easily start over) and that the grits consistency doesn't get lumpy.

Ingredients:
Recipe yields 4 servings

For Grits

• 1 tbsp butter
• 1 tbsp olive oil 
• dried parsley to taste
• dried thyme to taste
• 2 cups fat free skim milk
• 2 cups low sodium chicken stock
• 1 cup cornmeal 
• 3/4 - 1 cup of shredded Gruyere (I was kind of liberal in my cheese adding but would estimate it was somewhere between this amount) 

For Chili Garlic Shrimp

• 3/4 lb of shrimp, peeled and deveined 
• 3 tbsp. Ponzu (a citrus-soy sauce - great for cooking with fish!)
• 2 tbsp. red chili paste
• 1 tsp. mirin
• 1 tbsp. sriracha
• 1 tbsp. honey
• 1 tbsp. minced garlic
• green onion (optional - for garnish)

1. First make the Chili Garlic sauce by combining the ponzu, red chili paste, mirin, sriracha, honey and garlic in a bowl. Add the shrimp and coat. Let it marinate as you start the grits. 

2. Using medium heat, warm a pot and add the butter, until it melts. Next add the olive oil, followed by the garlic. Once fragrant, add the dried spices (thyme and parsley). Turn heat up and add the milk and the chicken stock. Bring that to a boil. 

3. As you bring it to a boil, go ahead and add the shrimp and sauce to a skillet and begin to saute over medium heat. Stir/flip occasionally for an even cook. Shrimp will be cooked-through within 7-10 min. 

4. Once liquids have started to boil, bring the heat back down to medium-high and begin to whisk in the cornmeal, just a little bit at a time. It's going to feel like you have way too much liquid but you don't, I promise. Adding the cornmeal in slowly helps prevent it from clumping. Once all of the cornmeal has been whisked in and there is a smooth consistency, then add the cheese and whisk in until melted. 

You've completed the grits, your shrimp is cooked, now you plate and spoon out additional sauce for flavor. Garnish with green onions if you choose and enjoy!

Welcome to the World, Hannah Jo

My Hannah Girl,

I can write to you now. Write your name. Know who you are! I started this the week after you were born, our first week at home together, because I didn't want to forget - but here I am, almost four months later, and finally finishing this for you. Writing your story was difficult because there were so many emotions that went into your first five days that were hard to put into words.

We need to start while I was still pregnant with you. When I was 31 weeks, we had the same umbilical cord scare that we had with Hadley, the high blood pressure in areas of the cord. We went to another specialist to rule out any compression or restriction, and just like with your sister, we looked at everything there was to look at but a cause could not be determined. They decided that again, it was probably my stress and we started going to appointments twice a week to monitor more closely and put me at more ease. At 33 weeks, I was diagnosed with Polyhydramnios which meant that I had too much amniotic fluid in my uterus. A normal fluid range is between 16-20 cm and up to 24 cm is still considered safe but on the high side. I was fluctuating between 20 - 30 cm of fluid and they had no answers for me as to why it was happening. I was in a lot of discomfort and pain from that extra weight of fluid and measuring about 3 weeks ahead. More than anything, my anxiety was at an all-time high because there was a scale of risks associated with this condition and they were very concerning to me.

My last bump picture at 37 weeks, but
measuring at 40 weeks because of excess amniotic fluid.

Of course I possess an inherent need to try to understand why, and to learn all the facts, to understand what causes these things to happen. In everything I read, there was something that I couldn't shake. That this could be because of an issue with the baby. The most common being an inability to swallow properly or that the kidneys were not actually functioning correctly. It could be due to a birth defect that affects the baby's GI tract or more severely, their nervous system and something that cannot be detected until birth. I asked at my last sonogram to please triple check to make sure everything looked right with your brain and organs, and they did. We watched as you did your practice breathing and as you swallowed. You looked perfect, but my fluid level was at 24 cm and I still could not shake the fear that I had of something going wrong. Because of the high fluid, I was at risk for cord prolapse, of placental abruption, and on the very severe side of the spectrum, of fetal demise. Then in everything I read, there were also maternal risks associated such as hemorrhaging and respiratory failure.

In the first trimester, as I looked ahead knowing my doctor would induce me between 37 and 38 weeks because of our stillbirth with  your brother, I realized the week we would induce was the week of 4/1. Immediately, I got excited and knew I wanted to have you on April 4. Your Granddaddy Mac was born on 12/12, I was born on 8/8, and I wanted to pass that into the next generation with you on 4/4. I felt like this was meant to be. Furthermore, Hadley came on her own at 37 weeks and 3 days. 4/1 was the start to my 37th week and add 3 days, that would be 4/4, so you both would have been the same gestation at birth. We had our minds set on that, however, these health issues had my doctor err on the side of caution. She decided we were going to induce right at 37 weeks, but because that fell on Easter Sunday, we agreed on April 2 and not a day later.

Our last appointment was on Thursday, March 29. Those next three days following I was so emotional. I couldn't shake the thought that something was going to go wrong. I cried and held your big sister, scared that we wouldn't bring you home, or that I would never come home again. I know this probably sounds dramatic to you, but when you've already experienced the small percentage chance, or a tragedy, it becomes something your mind will drift to. You didn't expect that to ever happen to you before, but then it did. The thought that something else could happen again can become a growing concern and a root of anxiety. Sometimes I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop because of what we've already been through.

Despite my anxious feelings and emotions leading up to it, I woke up the morning of April 2 with a peace and excitement that I would meet you that day, and receive that surprise to learn who you were - baby boy or baby girl. We arrived at the hospital at 6:00 am and were immediately greeted by a familiar face. Nurse Jill from our labor and delivery experience with Hadley was there to be our nurse for your arrival. Once checked in, we went to our room which was the same room that Hadley was brought into the world and that immediately put any nerves that were trying to bubble up, at ease.

At 37 weeks and 1 day, I was already 4 cm dilated and 50% effaced before starting the induction. You were well on your way to being ready. Nurse Jill predicted you'd arrive around lunchtime. As they checked my vitals and monitored contractions, a familiar face who has been part of each of my babies' births tapped on the door and came in the room. It was wonderful to catch up with Mallory and in a way, very poetic. I knew this was my last delivery and she shared news that they would be moving out of state soon. She happened to be there for each of you and as we talked, all I could think about was how much life had changed for both of us since May 26, 2015 when she first walked into our delivery room, when your brother had already been born into heaven. Now we were both moving on from this stage - me as I delivered my last baby and her from being the chief resident at that hospital. It was like a bookend to this chapter.

At 9:00 am they started the petocin, and contractions came fast. At 9:30 am I got the epidural. At 10:00 am, it was time to break my water - which once they did that, they said I had probably about 10 lb of fluid alone. Before we broke my water, Nurse Jill did tell me that my fluid levels being as high as they were, cord prolapse was what they were most concerned about so they had a team ready to go in case that happened and an emergency C-Section was needed. She talked me through exactly what would happen so I felt prepared and I understood. She got how I operated and knew that's what I needed. They broke my water, we monitored closely, and when everything was in the clear, she left us to rest. This was progressing much quicker than my other two deliveries. I fell asleep around 10:30 am, then woke up around noon and felt like it was almost time. I laid there thinking about who you were, who you'd be, how our lives would change, introducing you to Hadley. I imagined each scenario with a baby girl and a baby boy. I was starting to get nervous, but in an excited kind of way.

By 12:50 PM, the room was prepared and it was go time. We made our final guesses for gender and then birth weight. If you were a boy, your name was going to be Harrison James. Our girl name was Hannah, but we were debating Jo or Joy for the middle name. Nurse Jill and Dr. Kurian told us to do the "parent yell" test which meant when kiddo is in trouble and you use the full name to yell out. So we each took turns calling out Hannah Jo! or Hannah Joy! and we all agreed, Hannah Jo was the winner. Yes baby girl, that is how we chose your middle name. This experience was completely different than your sister's arrival. I asked where the oxygen mask was - they said I didn't need it. I asked where all the people were - they said you didn't require it. I asked why I needed that before and they said your sister was in distress and they didn't want to worry me during that time. So this was the first we were learning about it.

My first push was at 1:00 PM and then at 1:09 PM, you were here. Dr. Kurian asked Daddy if he could see and he laughed with tears in his eyes. He exclaimed it's a Hannah Jo! They put you in my arms on my chest and it just felt exactly how it was supposed to be. I was so surprised, my jaw dropped, it felt surreal that you were really here, but it felt right. All but Nurse Jill had guessed boy, she said girl. It was truly the most surprised I think I have ever been.

 

A girl. Sisters. Hannah. I have my Hannah after all. 
These were my thoughts on repeat.

You see, after we lost your brother, I had received various literature and support group information. There was one that was faith-based and they used Hannah's pain from the bible as she struggled with fertility and longing for a baby who she so desperately wanted. I had already decided that we would use the same initials for each baby. I had a necklace with those initials and it represented Hudson and keeping him close to my heart, but it also represented the hope I had for future babies. As we struggled down the road to have another baby, wearing those initials helped me to know that I would be holding them in my arms someday. As I read a bookmark from a devotional book, I remember thinking if we had a girl, we would name her Hannah. When we found out your sister was a girl, Hadley was also a name I really liked, and it happened to stick. She was supposed to be our Hadley, but Hannah was always in the back of my mind and meant for someone else. It was meant for you. Both you and your sister grabbed at that necklace as one of the first things you did when they put you on my chest.

You grabbing my HJS necklace.

The morning had truly been so peaceful, your delivery was so calm. Your Daddy and I laid there holding you and spending time together just the three of us. There was no hustle and bustle of multiple people in the room ready to take care of you. Family wasn't waiting in the waiting room yet because you came so soon and in the middle of the work day, they all planned to be there later. I remember looking at you Daddy and saying, wow it doesn't feel like we just had a baby! This is so relaxing!

Shortly thereafter, things changed. Your sister had excess amniotic fluid in her lungs and began "grunting" within the first hour after delivery, which meant she was having a hard time pulling in air. We were paranoid of the same thing happening again so every little noise you made, we were in tune with. The little noises were longer and closer together, like you were singing. Your Daddy called Nurse Jill to come in and check on you, just to be on the safe side and put us at ease. We told her we were probably being paranoid. She came in and took you over to the observation area, she said you were indeed grunting. After a few minutes, she called in the baby doctor and they agreed it was best for you to go to the NICU to be monitored. This exact thing happened with Hadley and she just needed a few hours for those lungs to work themselves out. I thought within a few hours, all would be just fine. They put a little oxygen mask on you while I held you and I was able to get one picture of you all wrapped up before you were wheeled away.

Your Daddy said he'd go with you and I would be up once I was cleared to leave Labor and Delivery. Your Grann and Mac had arrived and were ready to meet you, but you had just gone upstairs. By 3:30, It was time to move me upstairs but they told me you were still in NICU and we'd go see you first. The way they said it, something didn't feel right, it didn't feel like last time with Hadley anymore. It was around 4:00 that they led me into the NICU, I saw your Daddy across the room and he looked pale and concerned. When he looked up and saw me, his eyes were wide and filled with tears. I looked at you and you were covered in tubes and wires. They said you weren't tolerating room level oxygen and were experiencing tachypnea, which was driving up your heart rate, meaning you were breathing too fast which wasn't good for the lungs or the heart. Your body was working harder than it should. They did blood work to test blood gas level and your CO2 was too high, you weren't converting to oxygen. You were in respiratory distress and your lungs were failing you. This was very different than what we had experienced with Hadley.

Still, I remained optimistic and thought just give her a few hours, she just needs a few more hours. Now both sets of your grandparents were at the hospital and while I settled into the post-partum room, your dad took each of them back individually to meet you. Only two family members at a time were allowed in the NICU. We came and went throughout the evening but nothing had changed. Your Daddy was having a hard time. He had to watch as his baby girl, who he had just met and held for the first time, was poked by needles, was intubated, and had all the tubes affixed on you for the CPAP machine. He felt helpless. Your Daddy likes to make everything right, he wants to fix anything that is wrong, he is the eternal optimist. But we both felt out of control of the situation, which was how we felt with your brother. We had absolutely no control over what was going on or what would happen.

My heart was breaking. We had waited and waited to know who you would be but now couldn't hold you because anytime we would try to move you, your heart rate would jump up into a red zone and you would become tachypnic again, setting off the horrible beeps of the machines. I couldn't see you because of all the tubes and tape covering your face. I stroked your cheek around the tubes, held your hand carefully as to not disrupt everything sticking out of your arms. You had a feeding tube and I pumped nonstop to try to get my milk to come in so you weren't on donor milk. I had a hard time sleeping and would call down to check on you every hour until they told me to try and get some sleep, I was going to need it and most of all, you needed me to have all the strength I could muster, for both of us.

We got up and went back into the NICU around 6:30 am and the pediatrician was there doing rounds. He explained to us that throughout the night, you got a little worse, then back to how you had been, but never better. To put it into perspective, when the average person breaths in room level air, it has 21% oxygen which was our goal to get you to. You wouldn't tolerate anything less than 40% oxygen level from the CPAP without struggling. The lowest you had been able to tolerate was 32% oxygen. We needed to keep your breaths per minute below 70, but they were up in the range of 100-130.

Also in the NICU were two other babies - one who was recovering from a heart surgery, the other a 26 weeker fighting for his life. I felt guilty for being so worried, or showing emotion for you around those parents, when you were at least a term baby, in better shape than the other two who had life-threatening health concerns. In my journey as a parent of loss, I had more recently met several mothers who had a NICU loss experience and I kept thinking of them. We were told you would be just fine, that you just needed some time, but my mind kept going back to those concerns from right before you were born. Was it all connected somehow? Is this the bad feeling I couldn't shake? I was so scared that tragedy would strike again. What if a baby who should be just fine developed an infection or we discovered a birth defect with devastating results? That way of thinking isn't because I'm a pessimistic person - again, it's because the unthinkable already has happened to us and it's become difficult to not go to that place.

That day was a complete fog. I don't remember much of it except for at some point, pulling it together and rallying for this little baby girl who needed me to be strong and to be her mama. Your Daddy and I were each able to hold you once, for a short period of time.

Wednesday morning, I got up around 4 am and went down to check on you briefly. I just wanted to hold your hand. I stood over you crying because I didn't want you to feel alone and every moment I was in my room and not yours, was a moment you didn't have me. We went down to the NICU again around 7:30 am. They told us that all in all, it had been a rough night for you, which broke any strength I had tried to carry, because I wasn't there with you to talk to you so you could hear my voice or try to calm you when you would have your episodes. They had you laying on your stomach because they said you were very fitful and were not tolerating the feeding tube very well the past few hours. They said during that time, you had become the most tachypnic thus far, which to us felt like we were going backwards in progress rather than forward. The NICU nurse on duty felt like you were a strong girl, and a smart girl. She thought you didn't like the tubes and it was making you so mad. She advocated for you to be removed of the CPAP and on a simple nasal cannula, which was less invasive and far more comfortable for you. As the pediatrician arrived and we began to discuss everything, he said he didn't think you'd be going home for another couple of days. It was as if you were as upset as we were about it, and you went into a full on rage.

They removed the CPAP and you began to calm down. With it removed, we saw that you were tolerating room level oxygen for the first time and your heart rate was normal - you were not tachypnic. About 10 minutes went by and you were perfectly stable. They suggested we try removing the feeding tube. After another 10 minutes, you were still perfectly stable. They told me that maybe it would be a good idea to try to nurse you and just see if you'd latch, but we would need to be careful because this could cause your oxygen to drop or your heart rate to increase. But neither occurred. Around 10:00 am, they did another blood gas test on you and all was good. They checked your bilirubin and you were not in the jaundice zone at all. Your weight had dropped more than 10% but once we started nursing, you weren't spitting up like you were on the feeding tube and nutrients were absorbing better.

So here we were, it was the morning of April 4. It is interesting to me that the day I had hoped to have you, and the day we had originally planned for, that was the day your little lungs decided to work correctly. I remember someone saying to me in my pregnancy with Hadley that despite my anxiety and as long as she is healthy, to try to get to that 38 week mark because every day truly makes a difference. On 4/4, you were a brand new baby. You were alert, we saw open eyes, you were breathing on your own. We were on the up and up.

Wednesday was all about monitoring your progress. They said if you stayed stable for 24 hours without setbacks, that Thursday they would let you room-in with me. I didn't want to be discharged without you. That was an emotional obstacle I faced with Hadley as well due to her jaundice, but they allowed me to stay an extra night so that we didn't have to leave the hospital without our baby again - though different circumstances. I was having a hard time with you in the NICU and that I would be discharged as a patient to go home but you would still be there.

The floor was rather empty so my doctor put in a call to allow me to stay a third night, then Thursday came and they let me stay a fourth night. I knew Hudson was pulling some strings from up above, and this staff had a compassion that runs so deep. You were at your best when I was near, so they agreed that to have me there around the clock with with you was best for both of us. Thursday morning we wheeled you out of the NICU and into my room where we got to catch up on all the snuggles and skin to skin time. Now that we were out of the NICU, I was able to give you your special "Hud Bud" gift. Hadley has the bunny made from his hospital blanket, and you have the lamb we were given when we left the hospital without him. It has a yellow ribbon and nose, and plays Jesus Loves Me. Along with his hospital blanket, it is what we had to hold when we didn't have him. Both of these things were so very special and even more so to pass on to each of you as a connection to him.

After 24 hours of rooming in with me and all of your tests continuing to come back as normal, we were discharged to go home on Friday morning. I had been waiting and waiting for the chance to introduce you to your big sister and we finally got to do that. My favorite memory as a new family was that Sunday evening as we all sat on the couch together. I held you, your Daddy held Hadley, who held the Hudson bunny. George nuzzled between us. I was overcome with emotion because in that moment, just soaking up a rare moment of peace and calm, I felt more complete than ever before with our whole family right there together.

Hudson made us parents, Hadley healed our brokenness, 

and you precious Hannah, you completed us. 

These four months have been the most trying four months, but they've been as rewarding as they have been challenging, as loving as they have been difficult, and as beautiful as it has been exhausting. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

We love you and are so thankful for you, Hannah Jo! You are such a gift.

Nosies,

Mommy

Three Years

Hudson,

My little guy, my baby boy, my only son. Today is your third birthday. It's been three years since I last got to look at you, to hold you, and give you kisses. Three years since we got to meet you. Three years since we said goodbye to you.

These three years since you left us, I feel like I've lived another entirely different lifetime. I look back and sometimes am still in disbelief that this has been part of our life and our story. That we really endured the loss of our son, and it has truly changed every part of me. I spent time the other day going through your things and your pictures. I look at it all and it doesn't seem real. In those pictures, I look at myself and your Daddy, our tears and the pain stricken faces. I feel it all over again as if I was right back in that moment. It still hurts like hell and rips my heart apart, feeling the raw emotion as if it had just happened, all over again.

It's another year you've been gone and life has continued on. Life does that. It does continue on. Something I couldn't fathom three years ago when ours halted to a stop. Since that time, we've done quite a bit of growth and change. We've moved, we've switched jobs, we've gone on to welcome two babies. The healing your baby sisters have brought us is immeasurable, but my heart will always feel the void of my son who isn't here with us.

When times become difficult, I try to find you in ways to know you are watching over us. All month I've seen a blue jay in our yard perched on the fence or fluttering throughout the yard and the trees. One day there were three of them chasing each other around. Your magnolia tree has grown so much since it was planted a year ago, but the majority of growth has been throughout May. It started budding toward the end of April, but on Mother's Day the first bloom opened and it's been blooming ever since. A neighbor had a party and a blue balloon danced into our yard and just kind of hoovered a bit before it popped on its own. These are the little Hudson Hellos that I count on to get me through the hard days, and there have been a lot of hard days. Even this morning, as I fought back tears, the moment we turned on the car, our song came on the radio. Immediately I had peace and a warmth in my heart as Wagon Wheel played. 

I will always wonder what our life together would have brought. There were a number of little boys born around the time you were, and it was painful to see them for a long time, but now when I look at them and others, I try to picture you among them. They look so grown up and aren't babies anymore. I realize that I have no idea what my big boy would look like right now and that is a very sad thought for a Mommy to have. It takes my breath away to see another Hudson or hear the name called out by someone else, meant for someone else. I look at our family photos and miss the little boy who should be smiling with us, or proudly holding his sisters. I miss the mother/son relationship I hear is so special and the father/son bond I don't get to watch between you and your Daddy. I am sad for your sisters who don't get to have a big brother here with them to laugh with, learn from, and even to fight with. It is painful that your only boy cousin wanted another boy in the family but you were the only one he would get, and you are gone.

I think about the time I had with you in my arms. I think about all the things I wanted to try to remember, things I felt like I should tell you because I would never again have the chance to, and promises I made. One of those promises was that you would never be forgotten, and baby boy, I try to live by that promise every day. I try to live for you and create whatever I can in your name and continue to weave you into the fibers of our family. I want to make you proud.

Recently, I had allowed myself to go through everything we had collected for you. In preparation to find out if this third baby was a boy or a girl, I allowed myself to go there and prepare for a boy just in case. I washed everything and had them ready, but on April 2, we met our Hannah. Another sister you hand-picked just for us. Coming home, it was bittersweet because all of those things we had saved, they didn't serve a purpose anymore. We weren't going to have a living son to use them. Coping with that, I realized that it wasn't that I wanted Hannah to be a boy, I didn't. I loved that baby girl fiercely. I realized that the only boy I wanted was you, I wanted our first born. I used to think our hearts wouldn't be complete until we had a little boy, but we do have one and he awaits us in Heaven. As beautiful as it sounds, it still breaks my heart.

Today we took your sisters to the zoo. I thought maybe we'd have a wild and three themed party, so the zoo seemed like something we would do if you were here. Hadley loves animals right now and is learning the sounds they make. I felt like the two of you would be having the best time together, as baby Hannah slept. There were flowers on the church alter today in your memory. I even baked a cake for you! We wrote notes and will send them to Heaven on the three balloons that we will release at the park once your sisters wake up from nap time. We will visit you at your resting place and introduce you to Hannah - it will be the first time she'll be with us to visit. It was hard to get out of bed and have the celebratory spirit to do these things, because all I want to do is cry, but you deserve them, so my pain can wait. Next week we will celebrate you even more at your golf tournament event! We are very fortunate to have so many special friends who will join us in that.

I hope you know how badly you are missed and how much your family wishes you were here. Happy birthday, Hudson. We celebrate you always.

Nosies,

Mommy

Boy or Girl?

Final sonogram picture before delivery, who will you be little one?

Going through a pregnancy without knowing gender has been something that I've pleasantly surprised myself with the ability to do, but with it has come a lot of questions when it comes to gender. As a perpetual planner, this kind of goes against every fiber in my being. When receiving the question, my answer to that has been that I've wanted to legitimately be surprised, therefore, try to be confused without a strong intuition one way or the other, for several reasons. I will say that I've had gut feelings almost immediately with both Hudson and Hadley that have been accurate. It's hard not to, and though I tried to ignore it, I have had that this pregnancy too. Up until the 25 week mark, my Jiminy Cricket said boy. I was really trying not to have a feeling either way because that was defeating the purpose of not finding out. At our 25 week appointment, the 4D sono that we had showed the clearest view at that point of baby's little face. Baby looked just like Hadley so I started to have a hard time picturing anything but another girl. Since then, baby changes each time and it's hard to tell so I was left confused again and that's where I've tried to stay. In these final few weeks, emotions of what is coming have caught up to me and I've tried to allow myself the chance to process those a little bit before delivery.

When asked that question - you know, when people give you that look in conversation and are all like, yeah okay but what do you really hope to have, boy or girl? - honestly it makes me shudder a bit because the answer and the deep truth is simply:
A healthy baby.
A living baby.
A baby we get to take home with us.

That's all that matters and the gender just doesn't to me, but that's not to say that I don't have feelings about the gender and in this case I have feelings about both.

People have asked why I've been so vocal that this is the last baby and it's because after experiencing a stillbirth, going through a pregnancy again - any number of pregnancies that you are able - takes a lot out of you. Pregnancy in general does and I don't discount that at all. Whether you've experienced a loss or not, there are all kinds of issues that can arise that can make it difficult on a woman from a physical standpoint, maybe an emotional one for some. Pregnancy following loss is draining physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. It takes a toll on every aspect of your life and my third trimesters are where risk seems to lie. This third trimester has been a roller coaster in which every time I went in, I felt like there was something, or I had the anxiety that there would be something. We originally planned for three kids and we have that, just in a different way. It's a way that we are completely at peace with and after this baby, are looking forward to raising our family and enjoying these next stages of our family growing up.

However, because I know this is our last baby, that makes this pregnancy and delivery emotional in a different way than Hadley's was. We've been through the sudden loss of a baby at a gestational age that he was absolutely viable to live if we could have known there was an issue and intervened in time. We've been through fertility issues after that loss. We've been through two pregnancies following that, both up and down with emotions and health issues. In no way do I take being pregnant for granted, and I'm thankful for the gift of it each and every day, but that doesn't mean that it can't completely overwhelm you, exhaust you, and make you a headcase of a person. It's a delicate line to walk and even though this has been my most difficult pregnancy due to issues this third trimester, I'm thankful for it every day but I know it's not something I can or should do again.

As birth nears - two days away at this point - I've been thinking a lot about who this little one is and there are a lot of emotions that surround it. One of my promises in writing is to be transparent, so that's what you will get. As it stands at this very moment, I have very deep joys and fears for either gender. I've know that there will be immense relief and excitement regardless, but have also accepted that there will be grief either way. Let me explain.

Having another girl. It feels right. It feels easy, we've done this with Hadley, we have all the things (and clothes galore!). I didn't have a sister, so there's this excitement for Hadley and this new baby if it is a girl to have that close, sister relationship - especially with such a small age gap. On the flip side, there would be a grief that is inevitable to follow because at one point, I was all in as a boy mom. I couldn't wait, I couldn't wait to see my husband with his son. The mother/son activities I envisioned in our future that would just be dreams, not having the chance to dance with him at his wedding someday, and when friends say that little boys just love their mamas so much and not experiencing what they mean by that - especially when I had been so close to that before. Having another girl would be the final realization that the chance to have a son, to mother a son, died when Hudson did. That's part of the grief that comes with losing the baby boy I gave birth to but who didn't get to stay.

Having another boy. In a way, that feels right too. When I was pregnant with Hadley, before finding out gender, I remember fearing that I was going to have a hard time switching my mindset from boy to girl. I remember feeling like my heart wouldn't feel complete without having that living boy in our family. But she completely fulfilled us and I did not have a problem switching that mindset once it was our reality. That's where my grief was then and as I've said, it continues to evolve. That is why we didn't find out the gender this time. The other piece to it was that we had a honeymoon pinky promise that if we had one of each and were having a third, I'd feel prepared for the surprise at delivery, which Max would have wanted from the start. So there was that, but there was also this heavier need to not know, an underlying fear that if I knew we were having a boy, I would allow that to stress me more during an already stressful pregnancy. I would compare every little detail to my pregnancy with Hudson. I would obsess and worry more than I needed to in fear this little boy wouldn't come home with us either. So to keep our eyes on the prize of getting a healthy baby here, safe and sound, and try to alleviate stress, we thought this would be the best approach. I envision a very emotional reaction if when baby comes and the moment Max says "it's a...." and that answer is boy. I will be completely overwhelmed to hold our living son in my arms. However, I fear the grief that will come from it as we take him home and begin life together with our son. Sure we have experienced things we had missed as a family once we had a living baby, but to have a boy, then I feel like we would really know what we've missed these almost three years without Hudson. I even worry I'd call the baby Hudson by accident. If it is a boy, I want him to stand on his own and for my broken heart to not still be so broken that I feel weak trying to be his mother. At the same time, receiving Hadley into our lives was a beautiful kind of redeeming love from the devastating loss we had endured. If we were given the opportunity to have another son, it would be met with the same feelings, too.

It's a lot to process. It's a lot of deep feeling and emotion surrounding this baby and who they are. Each one of our babies holds a special place - Hudson as our angel, Hadley has our answered prayer, this baby as our great surprise. Regardless, of what April 2 holds and the big reveal of who this little one is, in my heart I know our family will be complete and I will remember that as I continue to process the immense joy and the inevitable grief.

Make a Meal: Skinny Meatloaf + Maple Whipped Sweet Potatoes + Parmesan Roasted Green Beans

On my previous cooking blog, I used to do Make a Meal Mondays, but then I decided not to limit to one day and would post a Make a Meal whenever I made a full meal worth sharing, rather than just a part of it. I found that oftentimes when I was searching for meal inspiration, I appreciated the full meal, not just an entree or a side, so that's what I wanted to provide when possible.

About a month ago, I thought I would finally jump on the band wagon of the InstaPot. We had given my parents one for Christmas two years ago and so I asked mom if I could borrow it to give it a test drive before we invested in our own. I was hesitant to use one because, and I've said this for years, I'm not a big fan of the crock pot. I used to use one all the time, and sure they can really help to make life easier, but call me super picky - there is a crock pot taste. I don't know how else to describe it, but though it make take me longer, I appreciate the taste and flavor from slow cooking in an iron pot than the crock pot. So I didn't know how I was going to feel about the InstaPot, but with another baby coming and our life with two under two getting closer, I thought now would be a good time to try it and see what kind of ease it could add to meal making and more so, the time of making food for our family.

Well, for anyone that follows my Instastories, you saw my first attempt with it was a bust. I had seen a meatloaf and mashed potatoes recipe that sounded like a great idea, but in my own experience, it just didn't turn out. I actually used my favorite go-to meatloaf recipe that I had found in a magazine years ago and continued to adapt into the way we liked it, but aside from that, I did everything this one told me to do for how to prepare it. In the end, the meatloaf was under-cooked, but the potatoes were burnt - and yes, I cooked with the proper amount of liquid it said to provide.

So I ended up finishing the meatloaf in the oven and scraping the burnt bits off the potatoes to still be able to make a tasty dinner. The experience did help me in realizing a few things:

1. I really loved my meatloaf recipe and we hardly ever make it anymore. Needed to change that. 
2. If I had made it my way to begin with, it would have only taken 10 minutes longer than using the Pot of Doom. 
3. and probably most importantly.... I didn't have an InstaPot. I had a Cuisinart Pressure Cooker. They are not the same thing, contrary to what I had thought. They require different instructions for cooking things, InstaPot being faster than a Pressure Cooker. Who knew? Not I. My mom enlightened me. 

Here I was thinking that InstaPot and a Pressure Cooker were interchangeable. I thought it was like brands of paper towels. One may be Bounty, the other Brawny but they are the same thing. Or like in the Texas, we call every soft drink a "Coke" but it could be a Sprite, or Dr. Pepper. I thought InstaPot was just a brand of pressure cooker and they were all the same. So we can attribute that to my dinner-making mess up.

However, since then, I have tried a few other things in my pressure cooker not InstaPot, while trying to use the correct instructions for a pressure cooker and it's just still not really working out for me. I just can't seem to get the timing right for the recipes I try. I would rather do it the "long way" since that seems to work better for me.

Not all is lost, though. That incident did remind me how much we enjoy our meatloaf recipe and it was Hadley approved, so as I made our meal plan and grocery list on Sunday, it was first up in our menu for the week. As for the time and ease aspect of making it, I used to make this quick and easy in 30 minutes for Max and myself when it was just the two of us. Add in a 16 month old who wants to be held all the time right now, and that did throw a little kink to it, but between tempting her with her own "nom noms" and distracting her in the high chair with some BabyFirst TV screen time, this recipe was quick in prep and completely doable with a small human.

So what makes the meatloaf skinny? It may all be tomayto/tomahto but I sub out heavier ingredients for lighter versions. For instance, instead of using all beef, I use half lean ground beef and half ground turkey. I also use 2 egg whites, as opposed to 1 full egg, panko breadcrumbs rather than biscuits or chunks of bread, and skim milk as opposed to whole. One last tip is that while I do not mind onion, many do, but I don't love the crunch of chopped onion in my meatloaf. So, I grate my onion instead. This helps to enhance the flavor, it really permeates. I do this in sauces too!

Speaking of sauces, the last directive I leave you with for this recipe. I used to make a ketchup sauce that was just really tasty, it was a typical meatloaf ketchup glaze. However, we discovered this Bronco Bob's BBQ Bacon Chipotle Sauce last year during Central Market's Bacon Fest. It was life changing. I tried it on the meatloaf and it was incredible, taking the place of a traditional ketchup-based sauce glaze. If you need a sauce you can whip up real quick, click here for one but note that the ingredients for it are not included below.

Ingredients:
For meatloaf

Yields 3-4 servings

• 3/4 lb. lean ground sirloin
• 3/4 lb. lean ground turkey
• 1 cup Panko breadcrumbs
• 1/4 cup fresh Parsley, chopped
• 1/4 cup grated onion
• 2 egg whites
• 3 tbsp. skim milk
• 2 tbsp. Worcestershire sauce
• 1 tbsp. garlic, minced
• Lightly season with salt and pepper
• Sauce (whatever you decide to use)

For Maple Whipped Sweet Potatoes

• 3 medium sized sweet potatoes
• 1 tbsp brown sugar
• 2 tbsp butter
• Maple syrup

For Parmesan Roasted Green Beans 

• I follow the Skinnytaste recipe exactly, no need to retype it out! 

To begin, set your oven to 400 degrees. 

Chop your sweet potatoes, place in a pot of water on the stove on medium-high heat to bring to a boil. As those cook, use your hands to combine your ground meats, breadcrumbs, parsley, onion, egg whites, milk, Worcestershire and garlic in a bowl. Mold the ingredients into a loaf, then place in a baking dish. I like to line my baking dish with foil for easy clean up and to prevent the sauce from burning onto the dish. 

Bake in the oven for 35 minutes, then remove and top with sauce. While meatloaf is cooking, prepare the green beans as according to the recipe link above. Place back in oven and cook another 10 minutes. At this time, you can also put your green beans in too. 

While the meatloaf bakes, tend to your sweet potatoes. Once they are easy to pierce with a fork, remove. I like to use my large food processor for a very whipped consistency, but you can use electric beaters or a potato masher as well. First add the butter in with the potato chunks to get that nice and soft from the heat. Next add the brown sugar, and finally I take the maple syrup and add about two circular squeezes, then begin to mix. If using electric beaters or a potato masher, you may need a little more liquid such as milk, but if using a food processor, your consistency will not need the excess liquid. Blend or mash until all chunks are gone and keep warm until ready to serve. 

Remove meatloaf from oven and make sure internal temperature has reached 160 degrees. Let sit for about 5 minutes before cutting. During that 5 minutes, add the Parmesan to the green beans and bake for a final 5. 

If you follow these steps, the timing should all match up perfectly to complete each part of dinner to be ready to serve at the same time. Plate and enjoy!

Faith Over Fear: Take Two

31 week sonogram on February 19

Just like that, we are well underway with our third, third trimester. Given that I've been pregnant during the busiest time of year for us, I knew it would feel quicker, but this has truly flown by. The third trimester represents such a simultaneous composition of excitement and preparation, but for me it is also coupled with an impending fear of the unknown and the memories of what has happened before.

I haven't done a lot of writing this pregnancy because when I write, I go to a place that can conjure a lot of emotion. It can bring on all kinds of thought trails that at this point in time, I don't want to go down. I was in a different point of my healing process when I was pregnant with Hadley. It was a time that I needed to go to that place because I was still working through so many facets of grief and the expression helped in the release of the build up of fear and stress. I need to share through writing because it helped me and in turn, it was helping others who were also walking the same path, or those who just wanted the insight to better understand. This pregnancy, I have tried to silence my fears and anxious voice. I've viewed myself as someone who embraces my grief, wasn't afraid of it. However, throughout this pregnancy, I have tried to ignore my grief - unsuccessfully. I haven't wanted to go to that place of emotion in an effort to control my stress and anxiety, but I don't feel that it has done me any favors because it very much exists, just as much as my first pregnancy after loss with Hadley.

I had actually started writing and readying a post that was what this experience has brought the second time around. What is the same, what is different. I was waiting to get through our 30 week appointment last Thursday to finish it out. Now, it's changed a bit to include what is going on with this baby right now and how it is impacting my second pregnancy after loss.

I think a common thought to most people is that once you have a living baby after a pregnancy after loss, you are "back to normal" and the fear that was once there is now gone, or that you are no longer at risk, subsequently meaning that another pregnancy is easier. To address that, yes - I guess you can say that I am one and one now. I've had a stillbirth and now a live birth. But - I've had a stillbirth, I've still had a baby who has died, so that will always overshadow the fact that I've had a healthy live birth. We will always err on the side of caution and that fear is still very much present. I am high risk, I am at-risk, and that hasn't changed.

One of my soul sisters - a friend who I've met because we are both mothers of loss - is also pregnant with her second baby after loss and we are due within a few weeks of one another. In a text recently as we updated on our current states, she gave the perfect example. She said that she tells people that this is like surviving a plane crash that happens at landing. You'd be terrified of every other flight you are on, and the anxiety of ever experiencing turbulence while on the flight. The stress doesn't ever go away, but you just find ways to cope with it.

I think because grief is evolving, I'm in another heart and head space than I was in that first pregnancy after loss with Hadley. I know more, I've seen more, I've experienced both, certain things still trigger, others don't.  This time I've faced a different set of triggers because there are a lot of similarities to life circumstances between this pregnancy and when I was pregnant with Hudson. They trigger those memories that take you back to the dark place. There's a trauma that exists and a fear that takes hold after you've experienced a loss like we have. That's "our" normal.

In my pregnancy with Hadley, I celebrated each week that I was still pregnant, I checked the box on each step and milestone. I had high anxiety, my pregnancy with her wasn't completely carefree, we had scares, every sono caused me to hold my breath until I saw or heard the heartbeat. I had to shut down the fear with faith, and that was my mantra faith over fear. Through it all, deep down I felt like she would be in our arms, living and breathing. She had to. We couldn't do this again. Faith over fear. That feeling drove the confidence in our medical team and in that end result of her getting here safe and sound.

Faith over fear. 

Now let's talk about this pregnancy.

This time the fear set in almost immediately for many reasons that I discussed in my first post about this baby. It wasn't until almost the 21 week mark, when I started feeling legit continuous fetal movements, that I felt much more at ease. To be honest, I was very at ease up until about three weeks ago. What changed? We entered the third trimester, we started getting closer to our week of loss mark (32/33 weeks), and movement has been stressing me out. This little one's patterns of movement have changed from when I first started feeling them and are not as continuous, but more so, they are different than Hudson's and Hadley's. This one moves mostly at night and in the morning, and if doing a kick count, I get to the 10 kicks within an hour at those times of the day. Yet during the day, more often than not, we are very quiet and still. So quiet and still that it has really freaked me out at times. Some days are an exception to that but most days the fear creeps in and I wonder if everything is okay. It quickly escalates past wonder and goes to action mode. I grab a little Dr. Pepper or a handful of chocolate covered almonds to try to get some movement started. Sometimes it will work, but a lot of times it doesn't. Truth be told, I've had a lot of sugar the past few weeks - and not out of craving this time but necessity in my mind for sanity, sugar actually gives me heartburn - just to get some movement going and feel like everything is fine. Until 29 weeks, I hadn't used my fetal heart monitor since 21 weeks, but now it is in my bag with me at work. One afternoon I raced home to use it because I had a Dr. Pepper to try to get some moves, and then an hour later a chocolate chip cookie but nothing had happened in two hours. So now, it comes to work with me, that's how in my head I've gotten, in case I just need to know now and can't wait to get home later. Waiting isn't an option when you've been through what we've been through.

Enter the mantra again.
Faith over fear. 

So, let's talk about our 30 week appointment last week on Thursday. Our appointments have been every 2-3 weeks since 16 weeks. By this time in our first pregnancy after loss, we had started going weekly, but I've been doing okay with the current set up. However, it had been a busy and stressful two weeks since my last appointment and on top of what's been going on in life in general, my anxiety has been building as we inch closer to the week of loss mark from Hudson. At that 30 week appointment, I had planned to go ahead and ask for us to start weekly appointments going forward if she didn't suggest it already. It was just getting to the point that I wanted to be monitored more closely and needed that weekly check in.

Last Thursday, I took my mom and grandmother to my appointment with me because Max was in New York for work. After the sonogram, we met with my doctor who shared that the blood pressure levels within the umbilical cord were elevated - just like Hadley's were at this exact point in my pregnancy with her. There is not a black and white, clear-cut reason for this. Just a lot of it could be's. It could be due to a compression, restriction, or some kind of stress on the cord. It could be due to cord placement and size. It could be an issue with the placenta and not pulling enough oxygen. It could be my stress levels, even though my blood pressure is fine. The latter is what my doctor had concluded with Hadley and what she leaned towards again with this baby.

They checked a few different places of the umbilical cord and the level they want to see is between a 2.75 and 3, the spots that were checked were all 3.75 and 3.9, which is enough of an elevation to warrant caution. We talked about stressors, the last two weeks there have been a lot going on - our dog having sudden surgery to remove cancerous tumors, construction project in our house, Hadley's been sick, I've been sick. As she told me that this was an issue again, I was strong, but I cried. My doctor said moderated bed rest until Monday and I'd come back on Monday, and we would now begin appointments twice a week on Mondays and Thursdays.

We left, I felt okay, everything turned out fine with Hadley when this happened, we were going to monitor twice a week and I know the drill. I know the plan. If it gets to a point where it is more risky for baby to stay in than to live on the outside, we would take baby then and there. Following the appointment, I had lunch with my mom and grandmother. I texted Max an update. However, leaving lunch, things weren't sitting right with me. I called my nurse and said that for peace of mind, I want to see the specialist at the hospital's Fetal Care Center like we did last time when this happened with Hadley. Because lack of movement has also been a heavy thought on my mind for two weeks now, in order to stay as stress free as possible, I'd like to have this additional layer of assurance using their advanced imaging to be positive there is no restriction in the cord causing this. They tried to get me in between patients but it wasn't happening, so I was sent home to rest and landed an appointment time on Friday at 1:30 PM. I know from last time that this is a gradual issue, it isn't over night. If there had been restriction or compression of any kind, baby's size would be impacted and there would be more signs, like fluid on the brain. These things were not present, I could wait 24 hours.

Max had come home from his work trip and was able to head to that appointment with me on Friday. The specialist was very thorough and we were able to conclude that there did not appear to be any pressure on the cord, it wasn't knotted, wrapped or a cause for distress. Levels had lowered from the day before but we still needed to watch them. We will focus on my rest and try to keep stress down as much as possible because that's the only answer I am given. She said we needed to monitor twice a week. She suggested we induce at 37 weeks this time. She was the same specialist who last time said that we could wait until 38 weeks. The fact that she is willing to go a week earlier this time had me a little off kilter. What wasn't I being told?

Faith over fear. 

The fact that the unthinkable happened to us once before and that anything can change in a matter of seconds is not at all lost on me. The previous trauma is always in the back of my mind, the fact that I've been down this road of having a seemingly perfect pregnancy only for the lightening to strike and have this teeny tiny percentage of a tragedy occur. When my mind is overcome with that, I have to remind myself the really unfortunate difference between then and now, as another way to calm myself.

With Hudson we had the first sonogram to confirm the pregnancy, we had another quick one at 14 weeks because my nurse had a spare machine and we were waiting for my doctor to return so she did it for fun as we waited, then we had the anatomy scan around 20 weeks. That was it. I wasn't high risk and 3 years ago, in my doctor's practice at least, for a normal pregnancy, it wasn't routine to have another sonogram if you didn't need it. Maybe I would have received another with a 3D/4D option if we had made it to the 34 week appointment and beyond, I don't know. But between 20 weeks and 33 weeks, a problem developed that wasn't seen at the 20 week anatomy scan, couldn't be traced through simple blood tests, belly measurements or listening to the heartbeat. I didn't have a fetal doppler at home to listen to his heartbeat to see if something wasn't right. I didn't get the attention we receive now where I get a 2D then a 3D/4D sono at each appointment and look at everything in immense detail. We didn't know the umbilical cord was a problem, but we would now. So in that, I have some peace but I'll never forget that anything can happen at anytime and because we've experienced it, you just feel more susceptible to it and it's always a tender point, sometimes a downright raw patch.

That is where this fear and stress derives from. But again, we channel faith over fear. 

Part of that is getting ready for a baby that you have faith will be here, even though the fear of what happened once is etched in your heart and mind. But even after the loss of Hudson, I didn't let that stop me from readying Hadley's nursery. His things were comforting and therapeutic for me to be around. In my heart, if something happened to her, I would still have this space that I could be close to her. By 22 weeks, we had the majority of her room ready and just finishing touches to complete until she arrived.

Compared to the other two pregnancies, I feel very far behind on getting ready for this little one's arrival. In some ways, we already have so much of what we need because we will be able to reuse a lot from Hadley. If it is a boy, I have things from our preparation for Hudson that I will use for this baby. Before last week's appointments, I conquered a little PTSD earlier in the week briefly mentioned above. At this point with Hudson, we were a few weeks into a large home renovation project, one that involved his room. In our new house, we needed to do a little reno project for this new baby's room and it was the sole reason for the work we are doing. Back then, we added a door to Hudson's room. Now we are removing doors and adding a wall in this baby's new room, taking it from an open office to a private space that better converts it into a bedroom. I've had some questions in my heart like, should we do this or just wait until the baby is here and safe in our arms? But trying to do a home construction project with a newborn and a toddler seemed like a terrible plan, so I put that fear on the shelf with my grief and we decided to get this done now. The fear was if something were to happen, that room would be very much a bedroom. I love the office the way it was, it had beautiful french doors that opened to the dining room. If we closed that off, turning it into a bedroom, it was now that baby's room. It would haunt me if this baby didn't come home. But, the estimated 2-3 day project took 1 day. It's done and we concentrate on moving forward and the optimism and happiness  to bring this baby home to his/her own space. I see it all in my mind and it helps my fears to begin preparing it.

We started the nursery this past weekend. I stuck to my orders of rest and monitored as Max built the crib and Hadley tried to "assist". Monday's appointment went well and levels had dropped back in the range we want them in, just like with Hadley's. Sunday marked 31 weeks. Next Sunday will be 32 weeks and that is a very emotional place in a pregnancy for me to be. That was the last week I was pregnant with my first baby. Reaching it brings sadness, brings the memories of tragedy, bring the fear that you are trying so hard to overcome with faith. I'll take it gladly and be thankful every single second of it, even through the challenging times that pregnancy after loss brings but I'll tell you it is defeating. It is defeating to not have answers for this cord issue that has happened with Hadley and now this baby. It's defeating that there's something your body is doing or not doing that creates risk or warrants caution for your baby. It's defeating that it is happening in a space that is supposed to nurture, grow and protect but for me, I worry my body will fail me. I worry it can betray me again and harm my baby. I want reasons but there aren't any they can give me that are a sure thing, so what's left?

Faith over fear. 

And that's what we hold onto to get this baby in our arms safe and sound.

Sweet & Sour Chicken Fried Rice

There's something about the new year that makes us crave Asian comfort food. We've loaded up on all the traditional holiday food so we want something totally different. Or maybe we are just looking for a different kind of carb and sodium source, who knows? On this night in particular, what we really wanted was our favorite soup dumplings but that's just not something I can make, and they were too far away to go get. However, we had the contents to combine two of our other favorite dishes, a fried rice and a sweet and sour chicken, which created a tasty little hybrid. 

I usually like to make my own sauces for a number of reasons. You know exactly what's going into them, you can make them to taste, and it allows for some flexibility and creativity. However, if you have a jarred sauce already, there's the convenience factor that sometimes cannot be beat. I had planned to do a sweet and sour chicken recipe coming up and grabbed a jarred sweet and sour sauce on a recent grocery run thinking that perhaps this would come in handy rather than making my own - and so it did. It also helped to have pre-chopped onions and chopped carrot sticks that Max had done for his daily snacks. From a prep standpoint, I just had to chop the carrots a bit smaller and the bell pepper, which were easy to do as the chicken was cooking.

You will only have 1 pan to clean afterwards and it takes just 5 simple steps to make. With the time saving helpers of pre-chopped veggies and jarred sauce, this meal took maybe 20 minutes to whip up and it definitely hit the spot with our family - even our pickiest eater, Hadley. If you want to turn up the heat and don't have small tot taste buds to consider, adding in some red pepper flakes or Sriracha would be a fun way to give it some heat!

Ingredients
Yields 5-6 servings

• 1 lb. chicken tenders, cut into 1 inch cubes
• 6-8 oz. sweet and sour sauce (I used this brand) 
• 1 cup onions, diced
• 1 cup carrots, diced
• 1/2 -3/4 cup edamame, deshelled (okay to use frozen, they cook quickly in the pan!)
• 2 eggs, lightly scrambled
• 1 microwavable Garlic Quinoa/Brown Rice blend (we use this one, add a second if you like your dish to be heavy on the quinoa/rice)
• Tamari or Soy Sauce to taste

1. In a large chef's pan, cook your chicken on medium high heat, doused in the Sweet and Sour sauce. When no longer pink, about 8-10 minutes, move chicken and scrape leftover sauce from the pan to a plate and set aside. 

2. With some remnants of sauce left in the pan, add your onions and carrots. Once onions are translucent, add the red bell pepper and the edamame. Once all veggies are soft, move to the plate with chicken. 

3. Now add your eggs to the pan surface and scramble until cooked to your liking. 

4. While your eggs scramble, cook your quinoa/brown rice package according to directions (90 seconds in the microwave) then set aside. 

5. When eggs are done, add the garlic quinoa/brown rice blend to the pan with the scrambled eggs and then give it some flavor with the Tamari (a gluten free, low sodium version of soy sauce) or Soy Sauce. Next add your veggies back in, followed by the sweet and sour chicken chunks. Mix it all together and you have yourself dinner ready to plate.