Sweet baby,
I am 22 weeks pregnant with you and had an appointment
today to check in and see you. Everything about you is perfect and I’m thankful to
have the ability to make sure of it, even though I still hate the reason why we
do. You will be born into a family with a big sister 18 months older than you,
and you have a big brother who is in Heaven. It’s because he left us before we
could experience life together that we get to see you so much and make sure you
are okay. Now our doctor and her team takes every precaution to ensure nothing is wrong and
we get you here safe and sound.
You’ve been making some stronger movements lately and it has
made me stop what I’m doing to just be able to pause and enjoy. The movements
of my babies are the most special parts of my pregnancies. They are what I look
forward to the most in a pregnancy and the first thing I miss when I’m not
pregnant anymore. I’ve been feeling you consistently for about two weeks now,
but you are strong enough to be felt by outside touch now too, so the other
night, Daddy got to feel you kick for the first time. I ate a Christmas cookie
while finishing up some work at home, then within 15 minutes, you started
hopping around. Big bold movements on my left side. We had just been talking
about your big sister’s newfound strength and how she wrestled the doctor’s ear
thingy (it is a technical term) away when at the Pediatrician earlier that day and
I said, speaking of strength, this baby
has some if you want to come feel? He did, and then you did you thing, and
I smiled. Daddy’s eyes got all big and he said whoa, hey there baby! Just like he did with Hudson, just like he
did with Hadley. I remember each of the moments when he felt his babies
kick for the first time and the look on his face to get to experience it too.
Your big sister has become very cuddly and she loves to lay
her head on the baby belly. You always become more active when she does, so I
like to think you two are already channeling a little sibling bond. It's like she is
being protective the way she lays her head and hand where you are, then you react to that touch by letting her know you are there. We’ve been working
on teaching her to say baby, but you may be called puppy for a while.
You were kind of against our odds. To learn we were pregnant
with you, even my doctor was in disbelief given some issues that should have made it
more difficult. You are determined and strong, little one. We thought
it would be months and months of waiting again. The way you began was a great
surprise, so the way you arrive will only echo that when we find out just who
you are. Our time together with you on the inside feels like it is
flying by, which on the one hand makes me relieved because with our history,
I’m ready to get you here, in my arms, breathing and crying. However, outside
of the fear and anxiety that will always exist at some capacity, I truly love
being pregnant and want to cherish this time with you – my last baby. We learned at the last appointment that my placenta did move and I no longer have placenta previa to worry about, so that is one less thing to stress over during this time together. Today we saw that the cyst on my ovary has completely shrunk too!
We have a list on the fridge with our favorite names, mixing
and matching firsts and middles. It’s been a fun game and while I think the
right ones are evident, I’m going to keep working on your Daddy a bit more and
enjoy this little name game.
I get teary eyed every time I think about the moment when we will get
to meet you. That moment I held my babies to my chest for the first time
was an indescribable feeling of finally getting to see and feel that long
awaited miracle. While your big brother’s was also met with deep pain because
his hello also meant a goodbye, your big sister’s was a joy we hadn’t
experienced ever before in that way, and one I cannot wait to experience again
with you.
I can’t wait to keep getting to know you in there, and even
more so, I can’t wait to meet you out here when the time comes. Again we are trying to conquer
faith over fear and though there have been moments, we are so far, so good.
I love you Squish and look forward to seeing you again at our next appointment.
Mommy
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