From My Heart to Yours

Dear Mama,

We may or may not know each other by facial recognition or by name, but my heart knows your heart. We may be very like-minded individuals who would, in a non-grieving world, find common interests and share conversation over coffee. Or, in a non-grieving world, our paths could look very different without a likelihood of crossing. However now in this grieving world, we share a bond that many will never know.

A year ago at this time, I had slipped far into the trenches of my grief. I was losing my grasp on positive outlooks, I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, every day everything hurt. I didn't want to get out of bed and start a new day that my son wasn't apart of. I was mourning him, I was mourning the life we had to learn to live without him, I was mourning the person I used to be and feared I could never be again. This was five months out from losing my son to stillbirth. It took five months to get to the bad place in my grief which shows the road is different for everyone. I've journeyed to the depths of the darkness of grief, and I've found my way back into the light of joy. It is not a smooth road and it can be all over the map, but you know what? That's okay. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve.

One of the biggest lessons I learned is that you are only as strong as you are weak. When you endure a loss such as this, strength you don't know comes on in forms you may never have experienced before. For me, I felt it was a supernatural strength in those first few days and weeks. In my 16 months of grieving, strength has found me at times I didn't know I could muster it. There were other times I couldn't find it at all. I didn't want to accept the ugly pain and as time went on, I felt it was inappropriate in a way to succumb to it. Until I learned that if I didn't show my weakness, if I didn't go to that place where I let it all show, then my strength was a facade and I was flailing any way. There is no shame in hurting deeply for long periods of time, but because nothing about this feels natural, we feel like it's wrong to walk through life in this way. Know that you can have weakness. Know that you can feel anger. You can feel it for as long as you need to, but know how long to stay there and when to pull yourself out so you don't get stuck there. Find what is the most helpful way to channel the release such as writing, reading, photography, yoga or other forms of exercise, cooking, that person to talk to, whatever. Finding this activity can help pull you out if you start to spiral.

I want you to know that you are brave. You have more courage than you give yourself credit for. Your heart is broken but the pieces will come together again in a new way, in a beautiful way, though I know it doesn't feel like it possibly can right now. There is still joy to be found amidst sorrow, thankfulness to be sought in hardship. This took me a long time to get to. Most importantly, you are not alone in this, though you may feel like it. Seek out your community of both non-grievers and grievers alike. Both will help balance you out and will give you the strength you need and the permission to show weakness. Find those who will stand with you no matter what and never let go of them. They are your scaffolding, they are your people.

You will smile a true smile again. You will laugh a pure laugh. You now know how to love deeper than you thought possible. You will enjoy simple pleasures and indulge in adventure. You will live life again to the fullest. You have an outlook you never thought about previously. Take and use your strength when you have it, allow your baby to be your joy when you can, but go to them in darkness when you need. Know you will find them in all things when you're ready.

It gets better. It isn't necessarily easier, it just becomes more manageable with time. You experience the seasons and chapters of grief and the wounds heal a little more, though always there. Patience with yourself and your grief is hard, but it is key to your healing.

Know this: you are the mother of all mothers. Your heart has experienced things that most will never know. You keep going every day despite your heart break and devastation. Celebrate your child whenever you can. Cry and be angry whenever you need. Feel whatever emotions you need to feel. This is the best we can do with our grief. You are doing this right, because it is what you need to do to get through, and that's all you can do. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

From my heart to yours,

Hudson's Mommy

PS: If you need to find more hearts like yours to talk to, email me at adomestikatedlife at gmail dot com.