Give thanks in all circumstances...
I Thessalonians 5:18
Sweet baby, six months have come and gone. It has now been half a year without you. Some days it feels so far away but the pain is still so raw, I close my eyes and suddenly it feels like it was yesterday.
Six months. What would we be doing with you right now? What milestones would we be experiencing? Who would you be? What would you look like?
Yesterday was Thanksgiving.
Last Thanksgiving, I was 6 weeks pregnant with you, trying to keep it from everyone. I remember looking around the room of Camp Dickson, with the secret of you in my head, thinking about how the next year would be so fun with you there. This year, we had to do things differently, I needed change. I thought different would help. Your Daddy and I stayed busy, we cooked a full meal and hosted Thanksgiving for the first time with your Grandparents, your MaMaw and Uncles, Michael and Patrick. I had a place for you at the table, next to me. I imagined you in the high chair that would sit to my right. Maybe we would have introduced some solid foods by this point, like sweet potatoes, bananas or peas. Maybe I would have tried to make my own puree, a little something special for your first Thanksgiving. You'd make a mess, we'd laugh, I'd clean you up with your Grandma and MaMaw helping because they just want to touch those cheeks and chubby hands. I'd rub our twin noses together and then your Daddy would get up from the table, lift you high above his head and blow a raspberry on your tummy, he'd walk around with you to relax you. Your Uncles would take turns playing with you but ultimately, you would end up in your Granddaddy's arms as we all watched football while you drifted off to sleep. We'd feel so complete.
Over the next few weeks I'll be picturing the life we should have had together, the joy we would be experiencing. We would be celebrating three years of marriage with you in tow. Celebrating your baptism with friends and family, which I had planned to do the weekend after our anniversary. Would you have been the baby Jesus at the church's Lessons and Carols? Would we be doing pictures for our first Christmas card as a little family this weekend? The other day we ran to the mall and while walking through, I saw the Santa Workshop. I envisioned us taking you to sit on Santa's lap and we'd laugh as you either loved it or hated it. Can you believe that mall Santa is the same one that was there when I was little? I have your Christmas stocking, I got an extra one last year when picking them for your Daddy and I because I was too excited about the thought of you. I never imagined it wouldn't turn out the way I had pictured.
Hudson, I had so many ideas and plans for us, especially for the holidays. The traditions we would start together, the way we would celebrate as a family. I wish you were here to do that with, to experience it all with. So I'll picture it in my mind, live it with you in this parallel universe. I will have to patiently wait for the day to come when you have a little brother or sister that will join our family and we can experience these things with them, finding special ways for your memory to be part of it, but I'll always envision you there among us. My dark, curly haired boy with chubby cheeks and brown eyes. I imagine you with brown eyes like your Daddy.
Some days it is really hard to be thankful, but I am, even in this sadness. Know this, I am so thankful for you Hudson. I am thankful that you made me a mother. I am so thankful to have my faith and know that I will see you again.
I love you. I miss you. I am always thankful for you.